Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Monday, 31 October 2011
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
American evangelist Harold Camping has confirmed that his earlier prophecy of the end of the world, which was due to fall on 21 May this year, was in fact intended to refer to the end of the News of the World....
Read it in full at:
Friday, 8 July 2011
Following the recent House of Bishops statement on civil partnerships, a shortage of long grass has been identified in which to kick controversial issues.
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Seating upgrades would be real winner with church-goers being offered a premium seating experience for a small additional fee. These seats would be near radiators, and come with a cushion - but in contrast to most theatre or concert venues, the most expensive seats would be at the back where demand is greatest. For the really committed however, a small number of comfortable seats could be made available instead of pews for a truly 1st Class experience.
Other options could include Audio Commentary (from the ex church warden who is always muttering his way through services), Liquid Heating Aids (hot water bottles) in churches without heating, and Children's Activity Packs to keep the little blighters quiet.
"It's a win-win scenario" said a spokesperson. "We can raise funds, improve service satisfaction rates and appeal to the premier end of the audience spectrum."
A full list of customer enhancement options can be viewed below:
Loyalty Reward Cards will also be available with discounts for regular attenders.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Saturday, 4 June 2011
KKK members turned out to support US Soldiers because of the presence of the Westboro picket who displayed their usual placards proclaiming (amongst other things)
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
reported to have said "American of course!" although he declined to
say whether this meant East Coast, West Coast of somewhere in between.
date that Islam was founded.
If you are a little sceptical however, there is another option - you could buy the other T-shirt being offered by the campaign - the "I survived Judgment Day 2011" T-shirt retailing at $20.40
Or then again, you could just read your Bible - Matthew 24:36-42 might help...
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Such is the verdict from the head of the Anglican Church in Nigeria, Archbishop Okoh. In a wide ranging interview, he clearly identified the acceptance of homosexual relationships as evidence that "we are in the end time and in this end time there are boundless opportunities of evil."
Biblical scholars will immediately remember the verse in Matthew 24, squeezed between the 'increase of wickedness' and the 'abomination that causes desolation'. You know - the one that says "when the day of gay marriage arises, flea to the mountains... how dreadful it will be".
It may also be possible, of course, that the Archbishop thinks that the likes of Gene Robinson might already be the 'abomination standing in the holy place' - so that would be another piece of the apocalyptic jigsaw set in place.
This eschatology fits in well with Anglican Mainstream's warnings of prison and persecution for Christians which will follow the acceptance of gay marriage.
They recently highlighted the case of David Parker from Lexington Massachusetts who, according to their blog, was "arrested and sent to jail when he insisted that school officials notify him when teaching his 6 year old son about homosexuality and transgenderism".
The reality was not quite so dramatic however.
Mr Parker objected to a cartoon picture book illustrating different kinds of families. The book "Who's in a family" describes itself as a book which "Shows the various combinations of individuals that can make up a family, emphasizing the positive aspects of different family structures, including grand-parent headed, single-parent, adopted, gay-headed, and mother-father families."
This was beyond the pale for the Parkers who demanded that they be called in advance whenever their child would be exposed to such subversive disgusting sexuality.
The school felt that this would create an impossible situation because, amongst other reasons, there were other children at the school with the same kind of subversive disgusting gay parents.
When he turned up at school and refused to leave until his demands were met, the school finally resorted to phoning the police when he was still there long after they wanted to lock up for the night.
When the police arrived, he goaded the police saying "If I am not under arrest, I am not leaving" which resulted in his arrest for trespass. Upon arriving at the police station, he then refused to be bailed and so spent the night in the cells before appearing in court the following morning when he was fined and released.
But this is nowhere near as sensational as the pre-apocalyptic 'prepare to be sent to prison for your faith' approach that Anglican Mainstream have chosen to take.
No doubt they had in mind the words of Jesus again:
"On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it... All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved." (Matthew 10:18+)
But I'm not sure that refusing to leave a kindergarten was quite what Jesus had in mind.
So is the end of the world upon us? Are we in the end times?
Well we might be, of course, but can it really be because we have recognised that two people of the same sex can love each other?
Or could it be because there are' wars and rumours of wars...nation rising against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, famines and earthquakes'. (Matthew 24:6&7)
Let's see - I know which I would bet on.
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
and a season for every activity under heaven...
a time to weep and a tiem to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them."
We are taking a break during this Holy Week so as not to distract from the most profound act of selfless love the world has ever seen.
May God Bless You and Inspire You this Easter.
The Satirical Christian.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Sunday, 3 April 2011
The Church Commissioners had planned to sell the famous paintings to save on insurance and use the money raised for mission and ministry. But now, the extra-ordinary generosity of this gift will ensure that the paintings can stay, (although still more money will be needed to develop them as a visitor attraction).
The Bishop of London celebrated the donation saying that it “has made that rarest of scenarios possible: the best of both worlds”.
It seems, however, that in celebrating the ‘best of both worlds’, he seems to have forgotten the 3rd world, where such a generous donation could have:-
Built 3,000 Classrooms fully equipped with desks, and blackboards
Plus provide 12,000 Libraries for existing classrooms,
And provide Farming Tools, Seeds and Fertiliser to 100,000 families
(Source: Oxfam Unwrapped)
Alternatively the donation could have provided access to safe water, sanitation, and hygiene education to 1 Million people.
Doubtless people living in poverty in sub-Saharan Africa will be just as delighted that this act of generosity will be used to ‘save’ these paintings.
It has also emerged that the £15m donation will be spent on creating a charitable trust for the paintings, not for mission and ministry, as was planned if the paintings had been sold.
So hats off to the Church Commissioners for ensuring that the most important things have been ‘saved’ – not the million people in poverty whose lives will continue to be at risk from water-borne diseases – not the people who would might have been spiritually ‘saved’ by financing mission, ministry and evangelism in the Church of England – but the paintings.
“It’s good to know that the futures of so many people have been sacrificed for us” said a spokesperson for the Durham 12, “because that is what the Church is all about!”
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
How do you get people to vote for something they don’t want?
In the Church of England, it’s easy. You employ the domino effect.
Take the Anglican Covenant, for instance. It is clear that many people in the Church of England are deeply suspicious of it. In the debate in General Synod last November many voices raised deep misgivings about it, even among the House of Bishops. In fact, enough people were sufficiently concerned to mean that if the vote was taken purely on what people thought, it would probably have been chucked out there and then.
But a clever ploy was used. People who were inclined to vote against it were told that it would be wrong to do that because, after all they were only voting to pass it on to Dioceses for consideration. If they voted against it, therefore, they would actually be voting against the democratic process of the Church of England, by denying Diocesan Synods the opportunity to have their say. What was the result? The vote was overwhelmingly in favour, despite the misgivings of the many. The first domino was set.
The second domino is being set up now, because as the Covenant is taken round the Dioceses, they are being told a different story. They are being told that the Covenant must be a good thing because, after all, General Synod voted for it by such a large majority! Hence, obedient Diocesan Synods do not need to question the Covenant too closely before voting in favour.
If this strategy succeeds, then the third and final domino will take the Covenant all the way to ratification. Because when it returns to General Synod for a final vote, it will be pointed out to members that Diocesan Synods have voted in favour, so how could they possibly vote against?
All because of the domino effect… Set them up and knock the first one over - the rest will simply follow.
So the next time you need someone to vote for something they don’t want and don’t agree with, take some advice from the Church of England, because where there’s a will, there’s always a way. The real beauty is that it doesn’t require a single lie – just masterful misdirection.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
It is good to hear than the Archbishop of Canterbury has assured MP's that "it would not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".
According to the Daily Telegraph, he has been quite clear that the Church of England will "not be dictated to by the Government" on Civil Partnerships or same-sex Marriage.
This is particularly impressive as the Church of England has such a solid track record on upholding the sanctity of marriage and resisting government pressure.
Let us not forget that the CofE's raison d'être came from the problem of marriage in the court of King Henry VIII.
Faced with the perfect storm of a wife who would not produce male children, a mistress who was pregnant, and a Pope that was dragging his feet, the Church of England was born in order to dissolve the King's unfortunate marriage of 24 years.
When the then Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer declared the marriage invalid (whatever that means) this enabled Henry to marry his pregnant mistress Anne Boleyn - except oops, Henry had already married her 4 months before the first marriage was 'dissolved'. Nice one, Archbishop! Of course things had to look right so the Archbishop married them again, just to be on the safe side.
Of course nothing like that could ever happen today.
It is good to know that the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".
Apart from the fact that the heir to the throne is now married to his mistress - the mistress who he had an affair with, for much of the duration of his first marriage. Oh yes, and she was married at the time as well.
But that is ok, because the CofE did not marry them - it just Blessed their Marriage in the Royal Chapel at St George's Windsor, and guess who led the service of Blessing - The Archbishop of Canterbury!
In fact, when we think about it, there has been very little change. When Prince Charles becomes King, the 'Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England' will still be an adulterer who then married his mistress - just like Henry VIII.
But of course, It is good to know that the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".
In the Archbishop's eyes, the most important thing about marriage seems to be that we keep gay people out. 'No marriage, no blessing' appears to be the mantra of the Church of England when it comes to gay couples, but not to anyone else.
After all, we all need someone to look down on - someone to help us ignore all the ways in which we screw up God's ideals - someone on whom we can heap all the blame for not upholding marriage as we should.
And so, the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage" - because after all, it upholds it so well.
Friday, 18 February 2011
In the light of recent state sponsored persecution of conservative evangelicals, Anglican Extreme is to introduce its own ‘Anti-Vows' for those unlucky enough to fall into their clutches.
“As these are clearly the days of the Anti-Christ” said Nisa Lolland, “We feel the time is right to develop ‘Anti-Vows’ to combat the growing threat to Christianity by homosexuals.”
Any man found having a friend of the same sex, or a secret copy of YMCA by The Village People, will be required to affirm their conservative credentials by making the following public vows in church alongside their ‘so-called’ friend.
(N), will you reject this man
never to be your wedded husband?
Will you shun him, avoid him,
honour your church above him and abandon him
and forsaking all others,
be faithful to this impossible burden
as long as you shall both shall live ?
Answer: I will.
I (name) do not take you (name)
to be my lawful wedded husband.
For I cannot have you
and am not permitted to hold you
from this day forward,
for I'd better do as I am told, or it will be worse for me.
I will not celebrate with you in riches
I cannot share with you in poverty
Even when you suffer sickness
I will not comfort you for the good of my spiritual health,
since our sexuality and our church do us part
according to what I have been told in the Law.
In the presence of all who disapprove, I make this miserable, solemn vow
It’s the only way to be sure”, said Nisa Lolland. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”
There will also be a separate version developed for women who show unnatural affections, and all participants will be required to wear a ring through their nose ever after as a sign and a warning to others. “That should do the trick” Nisa said privately. "After all the Bible does call us to make everyone 'Come Out' from among them."
The Anglican Liturgical Commission has indicated that it would be happy to look at these new vows, but said that it could not possibly complete a report for General Synod until at least 2662. In the meantime, many conservative churches are expected to go ahead without synodical approval. “We obey God not Synod” said a spokesman “We just expect everyone else to obey Synod.”
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
There was no food thrown at the recent Primates Tea Party despite there being plenty of sandwiches left over. Attendance was down at the Party, due to a boycott by several Primates, but table manners have definitely made a comeback!
The Primates Tea Party has had a chequered history of late, with numerous politically correct pundits saying its days were numbered.
In the early days of this international spectacle, the behaviour of the Primates was impeccable, mainly due to the degree of deference which the Primates offered to the undisputed α-male, the Primate of Canterbury.
But is recent years, the emergence of a strong group of male challengers has plunged the Primates Tea Party into a ugly combination of posturing, Primacy displays and food throwing. The introduction of the first α-female did nothing to help, especially when she refused to follow some of the traditional conventions of the troop.
But with the challenger males absent from the latest Primates Tea Party, the remaining Primates have been able to spend time considering their respective roles, and agreeing standards of etiquette for the future.
As they considered the meaning of being a Primate, some focussed on what it means to be Prime, whilst others just wanted to be Mates. But by the end of jelly and custard on the last day, they had actually been able to agree statements on a number of significant issues, including climate change, homophobic bigotry, and violence against women.
More importantly, the Primates who attended seemed to have enjoyed having Tea together. If this carries on, they might even want to meet together again, rather than just attending out of duty.
But all this progress could be in jeopardy if the α-female doesn't continue to attend - because it is her presence that keeps the challengers away.
Now she just has to sort out the Tea Party Movement...!
Saturday, 29 January 2011
One day when Jesus was teaching in the Temple, the teachers of the Law brought in a man caught in adultery.
They made him appear in the national newspapers and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this man was caught in the act of adultery, and we would like the law to demand that we should stone such men. Now what do you say?"
They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write in the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone."
Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, until one of them turned and said, "But Teacher, he was caught with another man."
Then Jesus replied "Why didn't you say that in the first place? Stone him - straight away, and go looking for others who have done the same thing, so that they may be 'outed' in Rolling Stone too!"
"And when you take their funerals, remind their friends why they have been stoned, and tell them how he brought it upon himself, and how evil they all are!
"For I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy of being Gay will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who dares to be homosexual will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."
And the teachers of the Law congratulated Jesus on passing their test, for confirming all their prejudices, and giving them an excuse not to consider the sin of their own hearts.
And Jesus said, "Then neither do I condemn you - go now, and be self-righteous in your sin."
Reader: This is NOT the Word of the Lord.
Response: But the Church of Uganda thinks it should be.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
When is a Bishop not a Bishop?
Answer: When he is an Ordinary.
This is the hot news from the new Roman Catholic Ordinariate for disaffected Anglicans.
With 3 Anglican Bishops becoming the first official members, Fr Keith Newton ( former Bishop of Richborough) has been appointed as the first Ordinary of the Ordinariate.
But the Ordinary is most definately NOT a Bishop. Got that?
Fr Marcus Stock, secretary general of the Catholic Bishops Council in England and Wales, has made the situation crystal clear .... "The Ordinary of the Ordinariate has similar authority and responsibilities to the diocesan Bishop, "
But remember, he is not a Bishop....
"He will be an ex-officio member of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales" he said.
But remember, he is not a Bishop....
"As a member of the Conference, the Ordinary will, like a diocesan Bishop, take full part in its discussions and decisions." he said,
But remember, he is not a Bishop....
"The Ordinary will exercise collegiate responsibility for implementing resolutions within the life of the Ordinariate in the same way that a diocesan Bishop does within his diocese.
So why is Fr Newton not a Bishop...?
Is it perhaps the fact that he is married with 3 children. Certainly, the sight of a married Bishop might be a little too much for reluctantly celibate Catholic Priests - especially as they are expressly forbidden from joining the Ordinariate with its opportunity to be a married Catholic Priest. (Article 6 of the Anglicanorum coetibus) It will be hard enough to see Ordinariate Priests from the Cof E cavorting around with their wives, but to have a church sanctioned, sexually-satisfied Bishop - that might be enough to make grown priest cry!
But that is not the only riddle arising from potential members of the Ordinariate this week. The latest comes from the former secretary of Forward in Faith, Capt G T Kirk, of the starship 'Oblivion' whose motto is "To boldly go where no woman can go before".
What was his riddle?
When is a Church not a Church?
Answer: When it is the Church of Sweden.
In an extraordinary outburst, Captian Kirk, accused the Church of Sweden of "not being a Church anymore" because it accepts the ministry of women and homosexuals. In the Church of England Newspaper, he condemned the "Sweden-isation of the Church of England" and warned that we are going the same way.
Some are calling for urgent action as a result, and a survey of how far this process has gone. Clergy may be asked to declare how many items of IKEA furniture they own, or if they have ever cooked meatballs for members of their congregations.
Others are wondering who gave Captain Kirk the authority to decide whether a Church in communion with the Church of England is a 'proper' church or not.
And signs of disunity are already starting to show among the 3 founder members of the Ordinariate. Unlike Fr Newton, the first Ordinary, who has been gracious in his words about the Church of England, Fr John Broadhurst, former Bishop of Fulham, went on record last October, describing the CofE as "vicious, vindictive, and fascist" following his decision to join the Ordinariate.
But at least the Pope has a sense of humour. In naming the Ordinariate, "The Personal Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham," he has, at least made sure that a woman will be at the very top of these opponents of women Bishops.
Talking of which, some may be tempted to ask, "If a woman was good enough to be the Mother of God, why can't a woman be a priest or bishop of God?"
And that might just be a riddle worth pondering!