Pantomime comes to Durham...

The new Church Commissioners Pantomime opened to disappointed audiences in Durham last week.

With a plot straight from the pages of Peter Pan and Captain Hook, there have been all the usual pantomime jokes, but it seems that no-one is laughing.

Buccaneer Andreas 'Hook' Whittam Smith has crossed swords with Banker Jonathan Ruffer-Pan in a feast of ducking a diving, with cries of "Oh yes it is!" and "Oh not it isn't!" over a £15 million pound deal for the famous Zurburan paintings.

In the background Andrew 'Smee' Brown has played the conscientious side-kick whose pedigree in selling the Octavia Hill Estates down the river established him as the indispensable batman for the sword-wielding Captain.

According to Jonathan Ruffer, first the deal was on - then it wasn't.  Promises were quickly made, and were as quickly broken.  With so many twists and turns, poor Ruffer has been constantly having to watch his back with the audience crying "He's behind you!"  And in the end, the whole deal has fallen flat with tales of good eggs gone bad, and a decidedly unpleasant smell.

For those who have dealt with the Church Commissioners before, this is nothing new.  The Captain and his side-kick have been running the good ship Ecclesiastica like their own private fiefdom for some time as Jonathan Ruffer points out in his letter to the Church Times.  A combination of economic necessity, business confidentiality and complex legal winds have enabled them to tack against the wind of public opinion more than once in recent years.  It is not up to the Church of England how the Commissioners conduct their business.  Bishops are powerless, General Synod can only 'take note' of the Commissioners activities, and the church at large has to pick up the moral tab.

But this time, it would seem, when the music stopped the Commissioners have been left holding the baby and lost £15m in the process.  All that is missing is a Pantomime Dame - but then with all the Church of England clerics in their black and purple cassock dresses, perhaps there is no need for one.

So the Pantomime has turned into Tragedy with no-one smiling, not least the people of Bishops Auckland whose pride and joy is once again up for grabs to the highest bidder.  And this time it is the Banker who has come first in the ethical league table with the church falling some way behind.

The Elf did it!

And God looked at St Paul's with quizzical eyes - deep and probing - searching the heart for an answer to why, oh why his House had closed its doors....

"Don't blame  us - it was the Elf!" they cried from behind closed doors.  "The bombs of the Blitz couldn't stop us - the fires that raged could not close us down for long - but that Elf - he's the one to blame.  The guy ropes are trip hazards and access is impaired - and those troublesome middle-aged idealists might block the way for ambulances and fire engines.  The Elf of Safety gave us no choice!  It's all his fault!"

And so God looked at the Elf with troubled eyes - eyes that wanted answers - eyes that searched for truth amidst all the misdirection of press releases, briefings and spin.

"Don't blame me!" said the Elf of Safety. " I was only doing my job.  You can't be too careful these days."  Then he paused for a moment before turning back with steely eyes.  "Anyway - it wasn't me!  I was that Goblin!  He's the real reason your House closed its doors.  The Goblin of Greed gets everywhere - tempting with the lure of yet more.  He's the one who is to blame.  He's in the offices and on the trading floors - he's at the gift shop and the Cathedral Door.  He's in the suits and dinners and old school ties.  He works by offering more and more -  then follows it up with a dose of fear - the fear of losing out - the fear of losing friends - the fear of getting left behind - you have to keep up with the Jones's you know!  He's the one to blame."

And so God looked at the goblin with anger in his eyes - eyes that wanted answers - eyes that burned with rage.

"Well you can't blame me!" The goblin put his case.  "I didn't force anyone to do anything.   I only showed them what's already there.  What's just out of reach - but not for long.  With the right contacts, the right attitude, the right system, the right drive and determination - what's out of reach today can be yours tomorrow - if you only want it badly enough.  And once you've got it, don't let go.  You don't want to have to down-size, do you? You don't want to fall behind the pack.

"But anyway," he continued.  " I can't be to blame, because according to all the important people, I don't exist!  I am merely a inherent necessity  for the wheels of prosperity to turn.  I am but a figment of your imagination.  Bankers, Directors, and Boards are not greedy - they simply get what they deserve.  And if that's more than others - so what?  After all we all need something to aim for. 

"If you ask me, those protesters are to blame.  They are the ones who are rocking the boat.  They are the ones who are making people feel uncomfortable by their outrageous demands.  Equality and justice; sharing rather than acquiring; giving rather than getting; radical ideas, upsetting the status quo.  They are the ones who are to blame."

And so God looked at the protesters with sadness in his eyes.  Because when he looked at them he saw a reflection of someone very close to him.  Someone who gave up global comforts to live in local poverty.  Someone who talked of sharing and giving;  who knew what it felt like to be thrown out of places of worship and accused of blasphemy;  someone who was humoured, then rejected by the people of power.  Someone who had no-where to lay his head, and who camped out in public places.  And someone who finally overstepped the mark when he took direct action against the money dealers and traders of his day, before paying the final price a week later for his naive, idealistic teaching, and his refusal to compromise.

God saw in them his Son - and saw that this won't end well...

US preacher: ‘What I meant was the end of the News of the World’

Great piece from News Biscuit on the Harold Camping and the News of the World.   It begins...

American evangelist Harold Camping has confirmed that his earlier prophecy of the end of the world, which was due to fall on 21 May this year, was in fact intended to refer to the end of the News of the World....

Read it in full at:
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/07/09/us-preacher-insists-i-only-ever-predicted-the-end-of-the-news-of-the-world/

Don't cut the grass ...

Gardeners at Lambeth Palace are being put on short-time working after being told to stop cutting the grass in the extensive gardens.

Following the recent House of Bishops statement on civil partnerships, a shortage of long grass has been identified in which to kick controversial issues.

“It’s all very well making these statements,” said Harry the head gardener, “ but you have to have the long grass there in the first place – otherwise it is meaningless!”

Following mounting criticism and press leaks, the statement from the House of Bishops announced two new reviews on same-sex relationships which will take years to complete.

The first will consider whether clergy in Civil Partnerships can be put forward as Bishops. In the meantime, a blanket ban will be imposed on all such clergy.  Observers have noted that the temporary ban does seem to be directed at one member of the clergy in particular who keeps cropping up on lists of potential bishops because of the quality of his ministry.  One commentator noted that “It would probably have been easier to put a temporary ban on clergy with the initials JJ and who run a cathedral.”  But the Church of England wants to be seen to be fair and equal in its discrimination – hence the blanket ban.

“This one only requires a relatively small amount of long grass at present” said a Lambeth Palace official “although one can never tell how it might drag on.”  After all, the Church might to decide to extend the ‘temporary ban’ if agreement can’t be reached - at least long enough for the said clergyman to be too old for consideration.

The second (which will require a good deal more long grass) is a re-evaluation of the churches attitude to same-sex relationships. “This one is going to take a huge area” said Harry, "especially with the potential for people to try to rake up the grass and bring things out into the open.”

Privately, Harry expressed doubt that Lambeth Palace actually had enough grass to cover this one over.  “We might have to look for help elsewhere” he said in hushed tones. “It might be that other Bishops palaces will have to grow their grass too.  And even long grass has to be cut sometimes – otherwise it all gets very messy.”

As a result of all this, it is rumoured that Church House is considering the creation of a new Department of Grass Management and Acquisition (DOGMA) to coordinate the programme.  It will be run by the Church of England Press Office which has extensive experience in 'managing' stories of public interest.

“It will be such a shame” said Harry sadly.  “The gardens here used to be so beautiful, and now they are going to become more like a jungle.  Still, it might make some members of the Anglican Communion feel more at home…”

Ryanization options for the CofE

Arguments are brewing at this summer's General Synod on putting an end to 'Ryanair' style wedding fees where many churches add numerous hidden extras to the basic fee.

It might well be a hotly contested debate and it is not clear what the outcome will be.  While some are bitterly opposed to hidden extras like charges for heating, bells, and organists, others see an opportunity for the Church of England to extend the approach to Sunday Services.

"This a  great opportunity to enhance service satisfaction rates" said a former marketing consultant for RyanAire.  "Entry to church services could still be free,  but a range of enhancement options could make going to church more pleasurable while raising extra funds."

Seating upgrades would be real winner with church-goers being offered a premium seating experience for a small additional fee.  These seats would be near radiators, and come with a cushion  - but in contrast to most  theatre or concert venues, the most expensive seats would be at the back where demand is greatest.  For the really committed however, a small number of comfortable seats could be made available instead of pews for a truly 1st Class experience.

Other options could include Audio Commentary (from the ex church warden who is always muttering his way through services),  Liquid Heating Aids (hot water bottles) in churches without heating, and Children's Activity Packs to keep the little blighters quiet.

Most controversially, some have proposed a small additional fee for receiving Communion, but marketing consultants have pointed out that a change of £1 is less than half the cost of a drink at most Costa Coffee outlets.  What is that compared to the promise of eternal life?

Analysts have calculated that the average income from church-goers would increase from the current £8.63 per week in voluntary offerings to over £12 per week resulting in cash bonanza for most parish churches.

"It's a win-win scenario" said a spokesperson.  "We can raise funds, improve service satisfaction rates and appeal to the premier end of the audience spectrum."

A full list of customer enhancement options can be viewed below:

Seating upgrade:                                                             £1 at the front

                                                                                           £2 at the back

                                                                                           £10 for a comfortable seat

Hymn Books and Service Guides                                  £1 each or £2 for a full set

Audio Commentary                                                        £2.50

Communion - bread and wine                                      £1

Name on the Intercession List                                      £1

Hot water bottle (for churches without heating)     £2

Children's Activity Pack                                                  £1

Wake-up call at the end of the sermon                      £3

Loyalty Reward Cards will also be available with discounts for regular attenders.

How to Legalize Discrimination....

It is reported that he Church of England legal office is planning a new publication which could raise millions for the cash strapped church.

The publication, "Discrimination and how to legalise it" draws on expertise which has been built up over the years in avoiding having to comply with inconvenient Government legislation on equality and discrimination.

"We are world leaders in Discrimination Avoidance" said an unnamed source, "and it is about time we started cashing in!"

'Discrimination Avoidance' is understood to be the moral equivalent to 'Tax Avoidance' where experts use the law to create or find loop-holes which enable their clients to get around having to comply.  Accountants and specialist tax advisers can make millions for themselves (and their clients) in the field of Tax Avoidance, and now the Church of England aims to rake in the cash by helping other bodies to find a way out of Equalities legislation.

"There are many potential groups out there who don't like Equality legislation, and we believe we can help them achieve their aims" said a nameless lawyer in a very big car.

The publication will have 2 sections.  The first will deal with how to get exemptions written into primary legislation.  The second will give advice on how to worm your way out when your particular exemption has been spotted and rejected by law makers.

"The best way by far is to get an exemption written into Law" said the Archbishop's Advisor on Legalised Discrimination.  "All you have to do is to find some obscure statement of belief and claim to be a religious movement.  Get it written into the legislation and the rest will follow.  Potentially this could apply to almost anything - gender, age, sexual orientation, marital status, and inside leg measurements are just some of the possible areas."

"But if that fails" he said seriously, "there is always a way for a religious group to worm their way out - if you have a good enough lawyer!"

One recent example is the advice which the Church of England Legal Office gave on celibate homosexual clergy.  This was one area which had been overlooked by Bishops and their lawyers.  "We had made sure that bonking gay priests couldn't become Bishops, but we never considered the possibility of them actually going so far as to submit to celibacy!  As a result, we are having to do some pretty fancy footwork around public repentance and focus of unity issues to make sure they can't get in!"

One of the tricks is to use lots of double negatives in legal advice in the hope of confusing people so much that they simply nod in agreement rather than to show their ignorance.

If the book goes well, a Church of England Consultancy Service (CECS) could be set up in the new year to sell their expertise on the open market.  So far expressions of interest have been received from the BNP, the Taliban, and several African leaders at the UN who are anxious to stop their countries being 'infected by the western cancer of human rights'.

The publication is scheduled to be launched in Westminster in the Autumn - to a room of invited guests only.  Church House security staff will be on hand to ensure that "if your name's not on the list - you're not coming in."

Westboro Baptists make KKK seem respectable!

In a remarkable turn of events the Ku Klux Klan has come to the defence of sanity as it protested against Westboro Baptists at a ceremony to honour fallen American soldiers.
KKK members turned out to support US Soldiers because of the presence of the Westboro picket who displayed their usual placards proclaiming (amongst other things)

·         God Hates You!

·         Obama is the Beast

·         God Hates Your Prayers

·         You Eat Your Kids

·         Thank God for Dead Soldiers

Compared to that, the KKK appeared to be entirely reasonable.

But wouldn't you think that when the KKK turns up to say that you are too extreme - you might just think twice about what you are doing?

Not a bit of it -  a Westboro Church member is reported to have said, "The KKK have no moral authority on anything"  although this does seem rich from the group which pickets the funerals of soldiers and homosexuals, singing and shouting words of hatred in the name of God.

What the KKK will do with their new found respectability is anyone's guess, but one thing is for sure - since the US Supreme Court ruled in favour of Westboro Baptist Church in March, these 'Christians'  will be free spread their message of a God who hates, and a Church which is always ready to condemn.

Perhaps one day however, when the final trumpet sounds, and the books are opened in heaven, these purveyors of hatred and prejudice will stand side by side at the throne of God ready to hear his immortal words...

Now I wonder what God will say ...?

Three days to go ...!

Following our last post , 'The End is Nigh!' things have moved really, really fast, and there are just 3 shopping days left before Judgement!

Earthquakes, wars, and an obscure Biblical formula that makes the Da Vinci Code look like kindergarten, have confirmed that judgment will commence at 6pm on Saturday 21st May  - unless of course you live in Samoa because they can't decide which side of the international date line they're on.

When asked which 6pm, judgment predictor Harold Camping is
reported to have said "American of course!" although he declined to
say whether this meant East Coast, West Coast of somewhere in between.

A world-wide poster campaign, advertisements and 'Rapture Ready'T-shirts @ $18.90 have been alerting the world to this impending doom. It is emphasised however, that the T-shirts will be available for a limited time only.

Many dates have been used to predict the end of world through the centuries including:

1st January 1000, and, oh yes, 1st January 2000

1284 which Pope Innocent III computed by adding 666 years onto the
date that Islam was founded.

21st March 1843 and 22 October 1844 according to William Miller. In response, many Christians sold all their possessions and quit their jobs, only to call the second date "The Great Disappointment" after nothing happened.

1890 when the founder of Mormons would have been 85 years old (if he had lived that long)

1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975 according to the Watchtower Society - 1975 being the favourite because it was 6000 years since the creation of Adam.

The fact that these predictions did not come true has not deterred Harold Camping from making his prediction, and has not deterred many from following him. Neither has the fact that he also predicted the end of the world for 6th September 1994. Apparently Jesus hadn't read the script.

But don't worry if you are a little too busy to prepare this week, because the 21st May is only the beginning of the end. If you miss the promised earthquake and rapture (during which all true believers will fly up to heaven) there are still another 5 months to go before the earth is totally destroyed on 21st October. So plenty more shopping days to squeeze in.

If you are a little sceptical however, there is another option - you could buy the other T-shirt being offered by the campaign - the "I survived Judgment Day 2011" T-shirt retailing at $20.40

Or then again, you could just read your Bible - Matthew 24:36-42 might help...

The End is Nigh!

The rise of homosexuality is a clear sign that the end of the world is nigh!

Such is the verdict from the head of the Anglican Church in Nigeria, Archbishop Okoh. In a wide ranging interview, he clearly identified the acceptance of homosexual relationships as evidence that "we are in the end time and in this end time there are boundless opportunities of evil."

Biblical scholars will immediately remember the verse in Matthew 24, squeezed between the 'increase of wickedness' and the 'abomination that causes desolation'. You know - the one that says "when the day of gay marriage arises, flea to the mountains... how dreadful it will be".

It may also be possible, of course, that the Archbishop thinks that the likes of Gene Robinson might already be the 'abomination standing in the holy place' - so that would be another piece of the apocalyptic jigsaw set in place.

This eschatology fits in well with Anglican Mainstream's warnings of prison and persecution for Christians which will follow the acceptance of gay marriage.

They recently highlighted the case of David Parker from Lexington Massachusetts who, according to their blog, was "arrested and sent to jail when he insisted that school officials notify him when teaching his 6 year old son about homosexuality and transgenderism".

The reality was not quite so dramatic however.

Mr Parker objected to a cartoon picture book illustrating different kinds of families. The book "Who's in a family" describes itself as a book which "Shows the various combinations of individuals that can make up a family, emphasizing the positive aspects of different family structures, including grand-parent headed, single-parent, adopted, gay-headed, and mother-father families."

This was beyond the pale for the Parkers who demanded that they be called in advance whenever their child would be exposed to such subversive disgusting sexuality.

The school felt that this would create an impossible situation because, amongst other reasons, there were other children at the school with the same kind of subversive disgusting gay parents.

When he turned up at school and refused to leave until his demands were met, the school finally resorted to phoning the police when he was still there long after they wanted to lock up for the night.

When the police arrived, he goaded the police saying "If I am not under arrest, I am not leaving" which resulted in his arrest for trespass. Upon arriving at the police station, he then refused to be bailed and so spent the night in the cells before appearing in court the following morning when he was fined and released.

But this is nowhere near as sensational as the pre-apocalyptic 'prepare to be sent to prison for your faith' approach that Anglican Mainstream have chosen to take.

No doubt they had in mind the words of Jesus again:

"On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it... All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved." (Matthew 10:18+)

But I'm not sure that refusing to leave a kindergarten was quite what Jesus had in mind.

So is the end of the world upon us? Are we in the end times?

Well we might be, of course, but can it really be because we have recognised that two people of the same sex can love each other?

Or could it be because there are' wars and rumours of wars...nation rising against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, famines and earthquakes'. (Matthew 24:6&7)

Let's see - I know which I would bet on.

Holy Week

"There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under heaven...

a time to weep and a tiem to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them."
(Ecclesiastes 3)

We are taking a break during this Holy Week so as not to distract from the most profound act of selfless love the world has ever seen.

May God Bless You and Inspire You this Easter.

The Satirical Christian.

Lesley's Blog: Ten Reasons NOT to have Men Bishops

Lesley's Blog: Ten Reasons NOT to have Men Bishops

This is an excellent satire from another world! Do follow the link and enjoy!

In fact, I often think that those who oppose women bishops to the point where they will not allow others to enbrace women bishops are from another world! (Just not the same other world as this other world!!!)

Durham Twelve Saved!

Following on from our earlier report, the Church Commissioners are delighted to announce that the Durham 12 have been saved from eviction by a generous donation of £15m by an investment manager.

The Church Commissioners had planned to sell the famous paintings to save on insurance and use the money raised for mission and ministry. But now, the extra-ordinary generosity of this gift will ensure that the paintings can stay, (although still more money will be needed to develop them as a visitor attraction).

The Bishop of London celebrated the donation saying that it “has made that rarest of scenarios possible: the best of both worlds”.

It seems, however, that in celebrating the ‘best of both worlds’, he seems to have forgotten the 3^rd world, where such a generous donation could have:-

Built 3,000 Classrooms fully equipped with desks, and blackboards

Plus provide 12,000 Libraries for existing classrooms,

And provide Farming Tools, Seeds and Fertiliser to 100,000 families

(Source: Oxfam Unwrapped)

Alternatively the donation could have provided access to safe water, sanitation, and hygiene education to 1 Million people.

(Source: WaterAid)

Doubtless people living in poverty in sub-Saharan Africa will be just as delighted that this act of generosity will be used to ‘save’ these paintings.

It has also emerged that the £15m donation will be spent on creating a charitable trust for the paintings, not for mission and ministry, as was planned if the paintings had been sold.

So hats off to the Church Commissioners for ensuring that the most important things have been ‘saved’ – not the million people in poverty whose lives will continue to be at risk from water-borne diseases – not the people who would might have been spiritually ‘saved’ by financing mission, ministry and evangelism in the Church of England – but the paintings.

“It’s good to know that the futures of so many people have been sacrificed for us” said a spokesperson for the Durham 12, “because that is what the Church is all about!”

Ecclesiastical Dominos

How do you get people to vote for something they don’t want?

In the Church of England, it’s easy. You employ the domino effect.

Take the Anglican Covenant, for instance. It is clear that many people in the Church of England are deeply suspicious of it. In the debate in General Synod last November many voices raised deep misgivings about it, even among the House of Bishops. In fact, enough people were sufficiently concerned to mean that if the vote was taken purely on what people thought, it would probably have been chucked out there and then.

But a clever ploy was used. People who were inclined to vote against it were told that it would be wrong to do that because, after all they were only voting to pass it on to Dioceses for consideration. If they voted against it, therefore, they would actually be voting against the democratic process of the Church of England, by denying Diocesan Synods the opportunity to have their say. What was the result? The vote was overwhelmingly in favour, despite the misgivings of the many. The first domino was set.

The second domino is being set up now, because as the Covenant is taken round the Dioceses, they are being told a different story. They are being told that the Covenant must be a good thing because, after all, General Synod voted for it by such a large majority! Hence, obedient Diocesan Synods do not need to question the Covenant too closely before voting in favour.

If this strategy succeeds, then the third and final domino will take the Covenant all the way to ratification. Because when it returns to General Synod for a final vote, it will be pointed out to members that Diocesan Synods have voted in favour, so how could they possibly vote against?

All because of the domino effect… Set them up and knock the first one over - the rest will simply follow.

So the next time you need someone to vote for something they don’t want and don’t agree with, take some advice from the Church of England, because where there’s a will, there’s always a way. The real beauty is that it doesn’t require a single lie – just masterful misdirection.

Archbishop Upholds Marriage ...

It is good to hear than the Archbishop of Canterbury has assured MP's that "it would not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

According to the Daily Telegraph, he has been quite clear that the Church of England will "not be dictated to by the Government" on Civil Partnerships or same-sex Marriage.

This is particularly impressive as the Church of England has such a solid track record on upholding the sanctity of marriage and resisting government pressure.

Let us not forget that the CofE's raison d'être came from the problem of marriage in the court of King Henry VIII.

Faced with the perfect storm of a wife who would not produce male children, a mistress who was pregnant, and a Pope that was dragging his feet, the Church of England was born in order to dissolve the King's unfortunate marriage of 24 years.

When the then Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer declared the marriage invalid (whatever that means) this enabled Henry to marry his pregnant mistress Anne Boleyn - except oops, Henry had already married her 4 months before the first marriage was 'dissolved'. Nice one, Archbishop! Of course things had to look right so the Archbishop married them again, just to be on the safe side.

It is good to know that the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

Of course nothing like that could ever happen today.

Apart from the fact that the heir to the throne is now married to his mistress - the mistress who he had an affair with, for much of the duration of his first marriage. Oh yes, and she was married at the time as well.

But that is ok, because the CofE did not marry them - it just Blessed their Marriage in the Royal Chapel at St George's Windsor, and guess who led the service of Blessing - The Archbishop of Canterbury!

But of course, It is good to know that the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

In fact, when we think about it, there has been very little change. When Prince Charles becomes King, the 'Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England' will still be an adulterer who then married his mistress - just like Henry VIII.

In the Archbishop's eyes, the most important thing about marriage seems to be that we keep gay people out. 'No marriage, no blessing' appears to be the mantra of the Church of England when it comes to gay couples, but not to anyone else.

After all, we all need someone to look down on - someone to help us ignore all the ways in which we screw up God's ideals - someone on whom we can heap all the blame for not upholding marriage as we should.

And so, the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage" - because after all, it upholds it so well.

New Anti-Vows for Homosexuals

This post has been inspired by the frenetic activity and near hysteria by conservative lobby groups following the UK Government's announcement that religious buildings can be used for Civil Partnerships. Enjoy ....

In the light of recent state sponsored persecution of conservative evangelicals, Anglican Extreme is to introduce its own ‘Anti-Vows' for those unlucky enough to fall into their clutches.

“As these are clearly the days of the Anti-Christ” said Nisa Lolland, “We feel the time is right to develop ‘Anti-Vows’ to combat the growing threat to Christianity by homosexuals.”

Any man found having a friend of the same sex, or a secret copy of YMCA by The Village People, will be required to affirm their conservative credentials by making the following public vows in church alongside their ‘so-called’ friend.

(N), will you reject this man

never to be your wedded husband?

Will you shun him, avoid him,

honour your church above him and abandon him

and forsaking all others,

be faithful to this impossible burden

as long as you shall both shall live ?

Answer: I will.

I (name) do not take you (name)

to be my lawful wedded husband.

For I cannot have you

and am not permitted to hold you

from this day forward,

for I'd better do as I am told, or it will be worse for me.

I will not celebrate with you in riches

I cannot share with you in poverty

Even when you suffer sickness

I will not comfort you for the good of my spiritual health,

since our sexuality and our church do us part

according to what I have been told in the Law.

In the presence of all who disapprove, I make this miserable, solemn vow

It’s the only way to be sure”, said Nisa Lolland. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

There will also be a separate version developed for women who show unnatural affections, and all participants will be required to wear a ring through their nose ever after as a sign and a warning to others. “That should do the trick” Nisa said privately. "After all the Bible does call us to make everyone 'Come Out' from among them."

The Anglican Liturgical Commission has indicated that it would be happy to look at these new vows, but said that it could not possibly complete a report for General Synod until at least 2662. In the meantime, many conservative churches are expected to go ahead without synodical approval. “We obey God not Synod” said a spokesman “We just expect everyone else to obey Synod.”

Full copies of the proposed Anti-Marriage Vows can be found on the Church of England Website – search for “Extreme is the new Mainstream” on the new Church Fashion pages.

No food thrown at the Primates Tea Party!

There was no food thrown at the recent Primates Tea Party despite there being plenty of sandwiches left over. Attendance was down at the Party, due to a boycott by several Primates, but table manners have definitely made a comeback!

The Primates Tea Party has had a chequered history of late, with numerous politically correct pundits saying its days were numbered.

In the early days of this international spectacle, the behaviour of the Primates was impeccable, mainly due to the degree of deference which the Primates offered to the undisputed α-male, the Primate of Canterbury.

But is recent years, the emergence of a strong group of male challengers has plunged the Primates Tea Party into a ugly combination of posturing, Primacy displays and food throwing. The introduction of the first α-female did nothing to help, especially when she refused to follow some of the traditional conventions of the troop.

But with the challenger males absent from the latest Primates Tea Party, the remaining Primates have been able to spend time considering their respective roles, and agreeing standards of etiquette for the future.

As they considered the meaning of being a Primate, some focussed on what it means to be Prime, whilst others just wanted to be Mates. But by the end of jelly and custard on the last day, they had actually been able to agree statements on a number of significant issues, including climate change, homophobic bigotry, and violence against women.

More importantly, the Primates who attended seemed to have enjoyed having Tea together. If this carries on, they might even want to meet together again, rather than just attending out of duty.

But all this progress could be in jeopardy if the α-female doesn't continue to attend - because it is her presence that keeps the challengers away.

Now she just has to sort out the Tea Party Movement...!

The Gospel according to Uganda...

This posting is not funny - not even close. It is just sad, very sad. It is a response to the murder and funeral of David Kato - the Ugandan gay rights activist who was kiiled last week. It is a response to the silence and collusion of the Church of Uganda in the national demonisation of homosexuals. It is a response to a Church in Uganda which claims to be the true faith of Jesus Christ and condemns other Anglican churches for falling away...

One day when Jesus was teaching in the Temple, the teachers of the Law brought in a man caught in adultery.

They made him appear in the national newspapers and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this man was caught in the act of adultery, and we would like the law to demand that we should stone such men. Now what do you say?"

They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write in the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone."

Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, until one of them turned and said, "But Teacher, he was caught with another man."

Then Jesus replied "Why didn't you say that in the first place? Stone him - straight away, and go looking for others who have done the same thing, so that they may be 'outed' in Rolling Stone too!"

"And when you take their funerals, remind their friends why they have been stoned, and tell them how he brought it upon himself, and how evil they all are!

"For I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy of being Gay will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who dares to be homosexual will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."

And the teachers of the Law congratulated Jesus on passing their test, for confirming all their prejudices, and giving them an excuse not to consider the sin of their own hearts.

And Jesus said, "Then neither do I condemn you - go now, and be self-righteous in your sin."

Reader: This is NOT the Word of the Lord.

Response: But the Church of Uganda thinks it should be.

An Ordinariate of Riddles ...

When is a Bishop not a Bishop?

Answer: When he is an Ordinary.

This is the hot news from the new Roman Catholic Ordinariate for disaffected Anglicans.

With 3 Anglican Bishops becoming the first official members, Fr Keith Newton ( former Bishop of Richborough) has been appointed as the first Ordinary of the Ordinariate.

But the Ordinary is most definately NOT a Bishop. Got that?

Fr Marcus Stock, secretary general of the Catholic Bishops Council in England and Wales, has made the situation crystal clear .... "The Ordinary of the Ordinariate has similar authority and responsibilities to the diocesan Bishop, "

But remember, he is not a Bishop....

"He will be an ex-officio member of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales" he said.

But remember, he is not a Bishop....

"As a member of the Conference, the Ordinary will, like a diocesan Bishop, take full part in its discussions and decisions." he said,

But remember, he is not a Bishop....

"The Ordinary will exercise collegiate responsibility for implementing resolutions within the life of the Ordinariate in the same way that a diocesan Bishop does within his diocese.

So why is Fr Newton not a Bishop...?

Is it perhaps the fact that he is married with 3 children. Certainly, the sight of a married Bishop might be a little too much for reluctantly celibate Catholic Priests - especially as they are expressly forbidden from joining the Ordinariate with its opportunity to be a married Catholic Priest. (Article 6 of the Anglicanorum coetibus) It will be hard enough to see Ordinariate Priests from the Cof E cavorting around with their wives, but to have a church sanctioned, sexually-satisfied Bishop - that might be enough to make grown priest cry!

But that is not the only riddle arising from potential members of the Ordinariate this week. The latest comes from the former secretary of Forward in Faith, Capt G T Kirk, of the starship 'Oblivion' whose motto is "To boldly go where no woman can go before".

What was his riddle?

When is a Church not a Church?

Answer: When it is the Church of Sweden.

In an extraordinary outburst, Captian Kirk, accused the Church of Sweden of "not being a Church anymore" because it accepts the ministry of women and homosexuals. In the Church of England Newspaper, he condemned the "Sweden-isation of the Church of England" and warned that we are going the same way.

Some are calling for urgent action as a result, and a survey of how far this process has gone. Clergy may be asked to declare how many items of IKEA furniture they own, or if they have ever cooked meatballs for members of their congregations.

Others are wondering who gave Captain Kirk the authority to decide whether a Church in communion with the Church of England is a 'proper' church or not.

And signs of disunity are already starting to show among the 3 founder members of the Ordinariate. Unlike Fr Newton, the first Ordinary, who has been gracious in his words about the Church of England, Fr John Broadhurst, former Bishop of Fulham, went on record last October, describing the CofE as "vicious, vindictive, and fascist" following his decision to join the Ordinariate.

But at least the Pope has a sense of humour. In naming the Ordinariate, "The Personal Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham," he has, at least made sure that a woman will be at the very top of these opponents of women Bishops.

Talking of which, some may be tempted to ask, "If a woman was good enough to be the Mother of God, why can't a woman be a priest or bishop of God?"

And that might just be a riddle worth pondering!