The Gospel according to Uganda...

This posting is not funny - not even close. It is just sad, very sad. It is a response to the murder and funeral of David Kato - the Ugandan gay rights activist who was kiiled last week. It is a response to the silence and collusion of the Church of Uganda in the national demonisation of homosexuals. It is a response to a Church in Uganda which claims to be the true faith of Jesus Christ and condemns other Anglican churches for falling away...

One day when Jesus was teaching in the Temple, the teachers of the Law brought in a man caught in adultery.

They made him appear in the national newspapers and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this man was caught in the act of adultery, and we would like the law to demand that we should stone such men. Now what do you say?"

They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write in the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone."

Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, until one of them turned and said, "But Teacher, he was caught with another man."

Then Jesus replied "Why didn't you say that in the first place? Stone him - straight away, and go looking for others who have done the same thing, so that they may be 'outed' in Rolling Stone too!"

"And when you take their funerals, remind their friends why they have been stoned, and tell them how he brought it upon himself, and how evil they all are!

"For I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy of being Gay will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who dares to be homosexual will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."

And the teachers of the Law congratulated Jesus on passing their test, for confirming all their prejudices, and giving them an excuse not to consider the sin of their own hearts.

And Jesus said, "Then neither do I condemn you - go now, and be self-righteous in your sin."

Reader: This is NOT the Word of the Lord.

Response: But the Church of Uganda thinks it should be.

An Ordinariate of Riddles ...

When is a Bishop not a Bishop?

Answer: When he is an Ordinary.

This is the hot news from the new Roman Catholic Ordinariate for disaffected Anglicans.

With 3 Anglican Bishops becoming the first official members, Fr Keith Newton ( former Bishop of Richborough) has been appointed as the first Ordinary of the Ordinariate.

But the Ordinary is most definately NOT a Bishop. Got that?

Fr Marcus Stock, secretary general of the Catholic Bishops Council in England and Wales, has made the situation crystal clear .... "The Ordinary of the Ordinariate has similar authority and responsibilities to the diocesan Bishop, "

But remember, he is not a Bishop....

"He will be an ex-officio member of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales" he said.

But remember, he is not a Bishop....

"As a member of the Conference, the Ordinary will, like a diocesan Bishop, take full part in its discussions and decisions." he said,

But remember, he is not a Bishop....

"The Ordinary will exercise collegiate responsibility for implementing resolutions within the life of the Ordinariate in the same way that a diocesan Bishop does within his diocese.

So why is Fr Newton not a Bishop...?

Is it perhaps the fact that he is married with 3 children. Certainly, the sight of a married Bishop might be a little too much for reluctantly celibate Catholic Priests - especially as they are expressly forbidden from joining the Ordinariate with its opportunity to be a married Catholic Priest. (Article 6 of the Anglicanorum coetibus) It will be hard enough to see Ordinariate Priests from the Cof E cavorting around with their wives, but to have a church sanctioned, sexually-satisfied Bishop - that might be enough to make grown priest cry!

But that is not the only riddle arising from potential members of the Ordinariate this week. The latest comes from the former secretary of Forward in Faith, Capt G T Kirk, of the starship 'Oblivion' whose motto is "To boldly go where no woman can go before".

What was his riddle?

When is a Church not a Church?

Answer: When it is the Church of Sweden.

In an extraordinary outburst, Captian Kirk, accused the Church of Sweden of "not being a Church anymore" because it accepts the ministry of women and homosexuals. In the Church of England Newspaper, he condemned the "Sweden-isation of the Church of England" and warned that we are going the same way.

Some are calling for urgent action as a result, and a survey of how far this process has gone. Clergy may be asked to declare how many items of IKEA furniture they own, or if they have ever cooked meatballs for members of their congregations.

Others are wondering who gave Captain Kirk the authority to decide whether a Church in communion with the Church of England is a 'proper' church or not.

And signs of disunity are already starting to show among the 3 founder members of the Ordinariate. Unlike Fr Newton, the first Ordinary, who has been gracious in his words about the Church of England, Fr John Broadhurst, former Bishop of Fulham, went on record last October, describing the CofE as "vicious, vindictive, and fascist" following his decision to join the Ordinariate.

But at least the Pope has a sense of humour. In naming the Ordinariate, "The Personal Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham," he has, at least made sure that a woman will be at the very top of these opponents of women Bishops.

Talking of which, some may be tempted to ask, "If a woman was good enough to be the Mother of God, why can't a woman be a priest or bishop of God?"

And that might just be a riddle worth pondering!

Unwanted Heterosexual Feelings ...?

"At last there is a cure!"

That was the reaction of Gavin, one unhappy heterosexual who has been longing to be 'normal' for years.

"I have always known it was wrong" he went on, "But I can't control it!"

"All my friends are gay, and I haven't known what to do... I have been to Gym with them - I have exercised, been exercised, confessed, and had the demon of heterosexuality cast out of me time and time again. But I still find myself fancying women. I thought there was no hope for me."

But now there is hope, courtesy of a radical new therapy called "Straight-up Ministry".

Those who enter the programme have to submit themselves to strict regime. They are not allowed to see heterosexual friends or spend time with members of the opposite sex unless they have taken a same-sex vow. They have to read the writings of Stonewall each day and spend extensive periods of time in personal contrition.

In time, therapist Leslie Plonkerton claims, these unwanted feelings will simply fade away. "No one can stay straight forever," he says. "It's just not natural."

"I have experimented on a number of people" he said "and although few of them ever keep in touch with me, I just feel in my heart that they must have gone gay."

Although Leslie is under investigation by a number of professional organisations, he is unrepentant. "It is straight people who need to repent" he said, "and I can help them bend their evil ways!"

Certainly this is music to the ears of frustrated, would-be homosexuals like Gavin. "One day I know I'll be cured" he said with a tear in his eye, "I have tried so long to fit in - now at last there is hope!"

If you want to be cured, Leslie can be contacted at Gym, or via the Pink Pages. He is accredited by the Association of Retro Sexual Therapists.

(Inspired by news that a Christian Therapist is facing disciplinary action for offering to 'cure' homosexuals)

Welcome to the Cyber-CofE

A new direction is being market tested by the Church of England to firmly establish it in the 21st Century. Bold new plans will see this traditional church embrace the computer age, if evidence from focus groups is positive.

Under radical ideas, almost all of the traditional terminology will be swept away and replaced with modern cyber-terms in an attempt to reconnect with a younger generation.

The process has already started in a small way to test reaction. Once upon a time Bishops were 'enthroned' - now they are 'installed' - a clear move to recognise the age of PC's, Windows, Facebook and iPads. Initial responses have been largely positive.

But the process will go much further, said an official in the Communications Department at Church House.

Services will be replaced by Podcasts, the hymnal by a YouTube Playlist. Confession and absolution will become Anti-Virus Scans, with a Quick Scan in Sunday worship and the opportunity for a Full System Scan in the confessional during the week.

The sermon will be rebranded as the Sunday Blog and will provide worshippers the opportunity to click on 'like' , 'dislike' or 'comment'.

Intercession will now be called "Heavenly Twitter", and instead of sharing the Peace, members of the congregation will be invited to 'Poke' each other. The will also be a Communion App which can be downloaded daily.

Baptism will be transformed too - water will no longer be necessary, merely a 'friendship request' followed by the issuing of a unique Username, as long as subscribers tick the 'Terms and Conditions' box. In most churches, however, Confirmation will be required before access to all areas is permitted.

Terms used in ministry will also continue to change. Following the successful introduction of 'installation' for bishops, they will be now be called "Spiritual Webmasters" instead of Bishops, and will be 'Upgraded' rather than Consecrated.

Archdeacons will be given the role of 'Net Nanny' to ensure no inappropriate material is introduced. Finally, in an attempt to promote mission, Vicars will be given authority to register their own 'Domain' and Deacons will staff the email help desk to respond to calls to the Help Line.

If you would like to comment on these proposals, please email the Church of England Communications Office cofe.comms@churchofengland.org