Sometimes the only way to get a point across is to satirise it.
Satire is always unfair, but that is why it gets under your skin and makes you think about issues in a different way.
Hopefully it can also sometimes be funny ... read on!

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Ryanization options for the CofE

Arguments are brewing at this summer's General Synod on putting an end to 'Ryanair' style wedding fees where many churches add numerous hidden extras to the basic fee.

It might well be a hotly contested debate and it is not clear what the outcome will be.  While some are bitterly opposed to hidden extras like charges for heating, bells, and organists, others see an opportunity for the Church of England to extend the approach to Sunday Services.
"This a  great opportunity to enhance service satisfaction rates" said a former marketing consultant for RyanAire.  "Entry to church services could still be free,  but a range of enhancement options could make going to church more pleasurable while raising extra funds."

Seating upgrades would be real winner with church-goers being offered a premium seating experience for a small additional fee.  These seats would be near radiators, and come with a cushion  - but in contrast to most  theatre or concert venues, the most expensive seats would be at the back where demand is greatest.  For the really committed however, a small number of comfortable seats could be made available instead of pews for a truly 1st Class experience.

Other options could include Audio Commentary (from the ex church warden who is always muttering his way through services),  Liquid Heating Aids (hot water bottles) in churches without heating, and Children's Activity Packs to keep the little blighters quiet.

Most controversially, some have proposed a small additional fee for receiving Communion, but marketing consultants have pointed out that a change of £1 is less than half the cost of a drink at most Costa Coffee outlets.  What is that compared to the promise of eternal life?
Analysts have calculated that the average income from church-goers would increase from the current £8.63 per week in voluntary offerings to over £12 per week resulting in cash bonanza for most parish churches.

"It's a win-win scenario" said a spokesperson.  "We can raise funds, improve service satisfaction rates and appeal to the premier end of the audience spectrum."

A full list of customer enhancement options can be viewed below:

Seating upgrade:                                                             £1 at the front

                                                                                           £2 at the back

                                                                                           £10 for a comfortable seat

Hymn Books and Service Guides                                  £1 each or £2 for a full set

Audio Commentary                                                        £2.50

Communion - bread and wine                                      £1

Name on the Intercession List                                      £1

Hot water bottle (for churches without heating)     £2

Children's Activity Pack                                                  £1

Wake-up call at the end of the sermon                      £3

Loyalty Reward Cards will also be available with discounts for regular attenders.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

How to Legalize Discrimination....

It is reported that he Church of England legal office is planning a new publication which could raise millions for the cash strapped church.

The publication, "Discrimination and how to legalise it" draws on expertise which has been built up over the years in avoiding having to comply with inconvenient Government legislation on equality and discrimination.

"We are world leaders in Discrimination Avoidance" said an unnamed source, "and it is about time we started cashing in!"

'Discrimination Avoidance' is understood to be the moral equivalent to 'Tax Avoidance' where experts use the law to create or find loop-holes which enable their clients to get around having to comply.  Accountants and specialist tax advisers can make millions for themselves (and their clients) in the field of Tax Avoidance, and now the Church of England aims to rake in the cash by helping other bodies to find a way out of Equalities legislation.

"There are many potential groups out there who don't like Equality legislation, and we believe we can help them achieve their aims" said a nameless lawyer in a very big car.

The publication will have 2 sections.  The first will deal with how to get exemptions written into primary legislation.  The second will give advice on how to worm your way out when your particular exemption has been spotted and rejected by law makers.

"The best way by far is to get an exemption written into Law" said the Archbishop's Advisor on Legalised Discrimination.  "All you have to do is to find some obscure statement of belief and claim to be a religious movement.  Get it written into the legislation and the rest will follow.  Potentially this could apply to almost anything - gender, age, sexual orientation, marital status, and inside leg measurements are just some of the possible areas."

"But if that fails" he said seriously, "there is always a way for a religious group to worm their way out - if you have a good enough lawyer!"

One recent example is the advice which the Church of England Legal Office gave on celibate homosexual clergy.  This was one area which had been overlooked by Bishops and their lawyers.  "We had made sure that bonking gay priests couldn't become Bishops, but we never considered the possibility of them actually going so far as to submit to celibacy!  As a result, we are having to do some pretty fancy footwork around public repentance and focus of unity issues to make sure they can't get in!"

One of the tricks is to use lots of double negatives in legal advice in the hope of confusing people so much that they simply nod in agreement rather than to show their ignorance.

If the book goes well, a Church of England Consultancy Service (CECS) could be set up in the new year to sell their expertise on the open market.  So far expressions of interest have been received from the BNP, the Taliban, and several African leaders at the UN who are anxious to stop their countries being 'infected by the western cancer of human rights'.

The publication is scheduled to be launched in Westminster in the Autumn - to a room of invited guests only.  Church House security staff will be on hand to ensure that "if your name's not on the list - you're not coming in."

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Westboro Baptists make KKK seem respectable!

In a remarkable turn of events the Ku Klux Klan has come to the defence of sanity as it protested against Westboro Baptists at a ceremony to honour fallen American soldiers.
KKK members turned out to support US Soldiers because of the presence of the Westboro picket who displayed their usual placards proclaiming (amongst other things)

·         God Hates You!

·         Obama is the Beast

·         God Hates Your Prayers

·         You Eat Your Kids

·         Thank God for Dead Soldiers
Compared to that, the KKK appeared to be entirely reasonable.

But wouldn't you think that when the KKK turns up to say that you are too extreme - you might just think twice about what you are doing?
Not a bit of it -  a Westboro Church member is reported to have said, "The KKK have no moral authority on anything"  although this does seem rich from the group which pickets the funerals of soldiers and homosexuals, singing and shouting words of hatred in the name of God.

What the KKK will do with their new found respectability is anyone's guess, but one thing is for sure - since the US Supreme Court ruled in favour of Westboro Baptist Church in March, these 'Christians'  will be free spread their message of a God who hates, and a Church which is always ready to condemn.
Perhaps one day however, when the final trumpet sounds, and the books are opened in heaven, these purveyors of hatred and prejudice will stand side by side at the throne of God ready to hear his immortal words...

Now I wonder what God will say ...?