Sometimes the only way to get a point across is to satirise it.
Satire is always unfair, but that is why it gets under your skin and makes you think about issues in a different way.
Hopefully it can also sometimes be funny ... read on!

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

How to Legalize Discrimination....

It is reported that he Church of England legal office is planning a new publication which could raise millions for the cash strapped church.

The publication, "Discrimination and how to legalise it" draws on expertise which has been built up over the years in avoiding having to comply with inconvenient Government legislation on equality and discrimination.

"We are world leaders in Discrimination Avoidance" said an unnamed source, "and it is about time we started cashing in!"

'Discrimination Avoidance' is understood to be the moral equivalent to 'Tax Avoidance' where experts use the law to create or find loop-holes which enable their clients to get around having to comply.  Accountants and specialist tax advisers can make millions for themselves (and their clients) in the field of Tax Avoidance, and now the Church of England aims to rake in the cash by helping other bodies to find a way out of Equalities legislation.

"There are many potential groups out there who don't like Equality legislation, and we believe we can help them achieve their aims" said a nameless lawyer in a very big car.

The publication will have 2 sections.  The first will deal with how to get exemptions written into primary legislation.  The second will give advice on how to worm your way out when your particular exemption has been spotted and rejected by law makers.

"The best way by far is to get an exemption written into Law" said the Archbishop's Advisor on Legalised Discrimination.  "All you have to do is to find some obscure statement of belief and claim to be a religious movement.  Get it written into the legislation and the rest will follow.  Potentially this could apply to almost anything - gender, age, sexual orientation, marital status, and inside leg measurements are just some of the possible areas."

"But if that fails" he said seriously, "there is always a way for a religious group to worm their way out - if you have a good enough lawyer!"

One recent example is the advice which the Church of England Legal Office gave on celibate homosexual clergy.  This was one area which had been overlooked by Bishops and their lawyers.  "We had made sure that bonking gay priests couldn't become Bishops, but we never considered the possibility of them actually going so far as to submit to celibacy!  As a result, we are having to do some pretty fancy footwork around public repentance and focus of unity issues to make sure they can't get in!"

One of the tricks is to use lots of double negatives in legal advice in the hope of confusing people so much that they simply nod in agreement rather than to show their ignorance.

If the book goes well, a Church of England Consultancy Service (CECS) could be set up in the new year to sell their expertise on the open market.  So far expressions of interest have been received from the BNP, the Taliban, and several African leaders at the UN who are anxious to stop their countries being 'infected by the western cancer of human rights'.

The publication is scheduled to be launched in Westminster in the Autumn - to a room of invited guests only.  Church House security staff will be on hand to ensure that "if your name's not on the list - you're not coming in."


  1. Typical statement from the C of E. 'If your names not on the list - your're not coming in!' I am so glad Jesus is not like that. Maybe the church ought to take a leaf out of his book! Actually I thought that is what we Christians
    were supposed to do!!!

  2. I am a living endorsement of the effectiveness of Church of England policy in the area of discrimination avoidance. If it wasn't for the tireless efforts of our noble band of lawyers, our beloved church would still have a priest who once, a long time ago, suffered from depression on their payroll. It was the exemptions these conscientious scribes confused the government into granting the Church that allowed my most legally observant bishop to refuse to offer me the accommodations prescribed by mere secular law and place me on short term, non-incumbency, contracts for over eight years. It was a long haul but his perseverance paid off and last September he was able to "let me go" without, Praise The Lord!, having to pay me any redundancy settlement or similar immoral, worldly benefits.

  3. @ MadPriest: I am so sorry to hear that. The uncomfortable side of satire is that it is grounded in truth - the truth of your experience and others. I hope that those who implement these uncomfortable truths will be made more uncomfortable by reading your comment.

  4. Hahahahaa-LOL
    This is great and I want one! Can I order a copy through the kindle store?