"At last there is a cure!"
"I have always known it was wrong" he went on, "But I can't control it!"
"All my friends are gay, and I haven't known what to do... I have been to Gym with them - I have exercised, been exercised, confessed, and had the demon of heterosexuality cast out of me time and time again. But I still find myself fancying women. I thought there was no hope for me."
But now there is hope, courtesy of a radical new therapy called "Straight-up Ministry".
Those who enter the programme have to submit themselves to strict regime. They are not allowed to see heterosexual friends or spend time with members of the opposite sex unless they have taken a same-sex vow. They have to read the writings of Stonewall each day and spend extensive periods of time in personal contrition.
In time, therapist Leslie Plonkerton claims, these unwanted feelings will simply fade away. "No one can stay straight forever," he says. "It's just not natural."
"I have experimented on a number of people" he said "and although few of them ever keep in touch with me, I just feel in my heart that they must have gone gay."
Although Leslie is under investigation by a number of professional organisations, he is unrepentant. "It is straight people who need to repent" he said, "and I can help them bend their evil ways!"
Certainly this is music to the ears of frustrated, would-be homosexuals like Gavin. "One day I know I'll be cured" he said with a tear in his eye, "I have tried so long to fit in - now at last there is hope!"
If you want to be cured, Leslie can be contacted at Gym, or via the Pink Pages. He is accredited by the Association of Retro Sexual Therapists.
(Inspired by news that a Christian Therapist is facing disciplinary action for offering to 'cure' homosexuals)