Pantomime comes to Durham...

The new Church Commissioners Pantomime opened to disappointed audiences in Durham last week.

With a plot straight from the pages of Peter Pan and Captain Hook, there have been all the usual pantomime jokes, but it seems that no-one is laughing.

Buccaneer Andreas 'Hook' Whittam Smith has crossed swords with Banker Jonathan Ruffer-Pan in a feast of ducking a diving, with cries of "Oh yes it is!" and "Oh not it isn't!" over a £15 million pound deal for the famous Zurburan paintings.

In the background Andrew 'Smee' Brown has played the conscientious side-kick whose pedigree in selling the Octavia Hill Estates down the river established him as the indispensable batman for the sword-wielding Captain.

According to Jonathan Ruffer, first the deal was on - then it wasn't.  Promises were quickly made, and were as quickly broken.  With so many twists and turns, poor Ruffer has been constantly having to watch his back with the audience crying "He's behind you!"  And in the end, the whole deal has fallen flat with tales of good eggs gone bad, and a decidedly unpleasant smell.

For those who have dealt with the Church Commissioners before, this is nothing new.  The Captain and his side-kick have been running the good ship Ecclesiastica like their own private fiefdom for some time as Jonathan Ruffer points out in his letter to the Church Times.  A combination of economic necessity, business confidentiality and complex legal winds have enabled them to tack against the wind of public opinion more than once in recent years.  It is not up to the Church of England how the Commissioners conduct their business.  Bishops are powerless, General Synod can only 'take note' of the Commissioners activities, and the church at large has to pick up the moral tab.

But this time, it would seem, when the music stopped the Commissioners have been left holding the baby and lost £15m in the process.  All that is missing is a Pantomime Dame - but then with all the Church of England clerics in their black and purple cassock dresses, perhaps there is no need for one.

So the Pantomime has turned into Tragedy with no-one smiling, not least the people of Bishops Auckland whose pride and joy is once again up for grabs to the highest bidder.  And this time it is the Banker who has come first in the ethical league table with the church falling some way behind.

Durham Twelve Face Eviction

So the Church Commissioners' secret plan to evict the Durham Twelve has been leaked to the press.

The 12 sons of Jacob have been sitting tenants at Auckland Castle for the last 250 years, and in recent years they have claimed squatters rights despite an estimated cost to the Church Commissioners of £60,000 pa.

"It's absolutely disgusting" said a spokesperson for the Twelve. "We have been living here for longer than we can remember. We don't want to move at our time of life."

They have a powerful ally in a former Bishop, who has stepped back into the role of goal keeper for their 5-aside football team. "It must be remembered that the Twelve have given a great deal of pleasure to myself and my predecessors, living in this beautiful mansion for generations. It can be a lonely job, living in a castle, and the Durham Twelve make this hardship just a little easier to bear. They are worth their weight in gold."

But that, of course is the problem. Evicting the Durham Twelve could prove very lucrative for the Church Commissioners who have a proven track record in selling off housing to make a quick buck.

In 2001, the Commissioners had to admit to secret plans to raise rent levels in the Octavia Hill Estates in London. Built as early social housing estates, they had provided affordable housing to 1000's of the less well off in London for over 100 years. But the profits they produced were not enough to satisfy the remit of the Church Commissioners to make as much money as possible.

Tenants protested, marched, and petitioned all to no avail, and soon afterwards the Church Commissioners found a way to sell the estates and be rid of the problem once and for all.

Then more recently, the Commissioners invested heavily in the proposed re-development of social housing in New York, only to lose a tidy wad of cash (around £40m), when the American authorities had the audacity to rule that these estates should remain as housing for the less well off, rather than be revamped and rented to the rich.

There is a solution, of course, for the Durham Twelve. They could give up their rent free status and start paying market rents for their treasured place in the Bishop's Palace. Market rents for Auckland Castle, this fine listed building in a prime location, nestling in over 800 acres of parkland could easily reach 6 figures. The Commissioners could then turn an annual loss into a profit to be proud of. And if the tenants couldn't pay, that's ok - the eviction process for rent arrears would be much more straightforward, and the Commissioners could then find new tenants who could pay.

Not everyone has been critical of the Church Commissioners policies however. It is reported that successful landlord and entrepreneur, Peter Rachman has been full of praise for policy developments of recent years, and it is rumoured that his name is being considered as a financial consultant to the Church Commissioners. So considering the financial success of his version of social enterprise, the Commissioners are in for a bumper harvest in years to come.

As for the Durham Twelve, they could be out by next summer if the numbers stack up. "It's the end of an era" said one of the Twelve reluctantly "They'll be evicting the Bishop next!"

Now there's an idea ...