The End is Nigh!

The rise of homosexuality is a clear sign that the end of the world is nigh!

Such is the verdict from the head of the Anglican Church in Nigeria, Archbishop Okoh. In a wide ranging interview, he clearly identified the acceptance of homosexual relationships as evidence that "we are in the end time and in this end time there are boundless opportunities of evil."

Biblical scholars will immediately remember the verse in Matthew 24, squeezed between the 'increase of wickedness' and the 'abomination that causes desolation'. You know - the one that says "when the day of gay marriage arises, flea to the mountains... how dreadful it will be".

It may also be possible, of course, that the Archbishop thinks that the likes of Gene Robinson might already be the 'abomination standing in the holy place' - so that would be another piece of the apocalyptic jigsaw set in place.

This eschatology fits in well with Anglican Mainstream's warnings of prison and persecution for Christians which will follow the acceptance of gay marriage.

They recently highlighted the case of David Parker from Lexington Massachusetts who, according to their blog, was "arrested and sent to jail when he insisted that school officials notify him when teaching his 6 year old son about homosexuality and transgenderism".

The reality was not quite so dramatic however.

Mr Parker objected to a cartoon picture book illustrating different kinds of families. The book "Who's in a family" describes itself as a book which "Shows the various combinations of individuals that can make up a family, emphasizing the positive aspects of different family structures, including grand-parent headed, single-parent, adopted, gay-headed, and mother-father families."

This was beyond the pale for the Parkers who demanded that they be called in advance whenever their child would be exposed to such subversive disgusting sexuality.

The school felt that this would create an impossible situation because, amongst other reasons, there were other children at the school with the same kind of subversive disgusting gay parents.

When he turned up at school and refused to leave until his demands were met, the school finally resorted to phoning the police when he was still there long after they wanted to lock up for the night.

When the police arrived, he goaded the police saying "If I am not under arrest, I am not leaving" which resulted in his arrest for trespass. Upon arriving at the police station, he then refused to be bailed and so spent the night in the cells before appearing in court the following morning when he was fined and released.

But this is nowhere near as sensational as the pre-apocalyptic 'prepare to be sent to prison for your faith' approach that Anglican Mainstream have chosen to take.

No doubt they had in mind the words of Jesus again:

"On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it... All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved." (Matthew 10:18+)

But I'm not sure that refusing to leave a kindergarten was quite what Jesus had in mind.

So is the end of the world upon us? Are we in the end times?

Well we might be, of course, but can it really be because we have recognised that two people of the same sex can love each other?

Or could it be because there are' wars and rumours of wars...nation rising against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, famines and earthquakes'. (Matthew 24:6&7)

Let's see - I know which I would bet on.

Ecclesiastical Dominos

How do you get people to vote for something they don’t want?

In the Church of England, it’s easy. You employ the domino effect.

Take the Anglican Covenant, for instance. It is clear that many people in the Church of England are deeply suspicious of it. In the debate in General Synod last November many voices raised deep misgivings about it, even among the House of Bishops. In fact, enough people were sufficiently concerned to mean that if the vote was taken purely on what people thought, it would probably have been chucked out there and then.

But a clever ploy was used. People who were inclined to vote against it were told that it would be wrong to do that because, after all they were only voting to pass it on to Dioceses for consideration. If they voted against it, therefore, they would actually be voting against the democratic process of the Church of England, by denying Diocesan Synods the opportunity to have their say. What was the result? The vote was overwhelmingly in favour, despite the misgivings of the many. The first domino was set.

The second domino is being set up now, because as the Covenant is taken round the Dioceses, they are being told a different story. They are being told that the Covenant must be a good thing because, after all, General Synod voted for it by such a large majority! Hence, obedient Diocesan Synods do not need to question the Covenant too closely before voting in favour.

If this strategy succeeds, then the third and final domino will take the Covenant all the way to ratification. Because when it returns to General Synod for a final vote, it will be pointed out to members that Diocesan Synods have voted in favour, so how could they possibly vote against?

All because of the domino effect… Set them up and knock the first one over - the rest will simply follow.

So the next time you need someone to vote for something they don’t want and don’t agree with, take some advice from the Church of England, because where there’s a will, there’s always a way. The real beauty is that it doesn’t require a single lie – just masterful misdirection.

The Gospel according to Uganda...

This posting is not funny - not even close. It is just sad, very sad. It is a response to the murder and funeral of David Kato - the Ugandan gay rights activist who was kiiled last week. It is a response to the silence and collusion of the Church of Uganda in the national demonisation of homosexuals. It is a response to a Church in Uganda which claims to be the true faith of Jesus Christ and condemns other Anglican churches for falling away...

One day when Jesus was teaching in the Temple, the teachers of the Law brought in a man caught in adultery.

They made him appear in the national newspapers and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this man was caught in the act of adultery, and we would like the law to demand that we should stone such men. Now what do you say?"

They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write in the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone."

Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, until one of them turned and said, "But Teacher, he was caught with another man."

Then Jesus replied "Why didn't you say that in the first place? Stone him - straight away, and go looking for others who have done the same thing, so that they may be 'outed' in Rolling Stone too!"

"And when you take their funerals, remind their friends why they have been stoned, and tell them how he brought it upon himself, and how evil they all are!

"For I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy of being Gay will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who dares to be homosexual will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."

And the teachers of the Law congratulated Jesus on passing their test, for confirming all their prejudices, and giving them an excuse not to consider the sin of their own hearts.

And Jesus said, "Then neither do I condemn you - go now, and be self-righteous in your sin."

Reader: This is NOT the Word of the Lord.

Response: But the Church of Uganda thinks it should be.

Welcome to the Cyber-CofE

A new direction is being market tested by the Church of England to firmly establish it in the 21st Century. Bold new plans will see this traditional church embrace the computer age, if evidence from focus groups is positive.

Under radical ideas, almost all of the traditional terminology will be swept away and replaced with modern cyber-terms in an attempt to reconnect with a younger generation.

The process has already started in a small way to test reaction. Once upon a time Bishops were 'enthroned' - now they are 'installed' - a clear move to recognise the age of PC's, Windows, Facebook and iPads. Initial responses have been largely positive.

But the process will go much further, said an official in the Communications Department at Church House.

Services will be replaced by Podcasts, the hymnal by a YouTube Playlist. Confession and absolution will become Anti-Virus Scans, with a Quick Scan in Sunday worship and the opportunity for a Full System Scan in the confessional during the week.

The sermon will be rebranded as the Sunday Blog and will provide worshippers the opportunity to click on 'like' , 'dislike' or 'comment'.

Intercession will now be called "Heavenly Twitter", and instead of sharing the Peace, members of the congregation will be invited to 'Poke' each other. The will also be a Communion App which can be downloaded daily.

Baptism will be transformed too - water will no longer be necessary, merely a 'friendship request' followed by the issuing of a unique Username, as long as subscribers tick the 'Terms and Conditions' box. In most churches, however, Confirmation will be required before access to all areas is permitted.

Terms used in ministry will also continue to change. Following the successful introduction of 'installation' for bishops, they will be now be called "Spiritual Webmasters" instead of Bishops, and will be 'Upgraded' rather than Consecrated.

Archdeacons will be given the role of 'Net Nanny' to ensure no inappropriate material is introduced. Finally, in an attempt to promote mission, Vicars will be given authority to register their own 'Domain' and Deacons will staff the email help desk to respond to calls to the Help Line.

If you would like to comment on these proposals, please email the Church of England Communications Office cofe.comms@churchofengland.org

Factory Farming at the Church of the Good Shepherd

In a decisive vote at the Church of England's General Synod, the Church of England has taken the first steps towards a new approach to ministry, replacing traditional shepherding  with a new policy of factory farming.

Box pews are to be re-introduced in churches up and down the country to ensure that Anglicans are confined to the very minimum of space for free thought.

"All this wasted energy on fruitless exploration is reducing the productivity of the typical Anglican" said a leading Bishop in Tuesday's  General Synod debate.  "Sheep ranging around the hillside is simply too much trouble"  he complained.

Dioceses will now be consulted (but not too much) on the proposals to provide a suitable framework (or pen) which will not allow too much movement.  Its main selling point is that Anglican sheep will be much easier to train, force-feed, and keep in line under the new 'Anglican Confinement'.

Under the new proposals, all churches previously designated "Church of the Good Shepherd"  will be renamed "Church of the Factory Farm" even though it is unclear how this new approach will succeed in  filling the new box pews.

In a disturbing development in Oxford, however, several Archbishops of the Anglican group NAFCON have indicated that although they support the new farming methods, they will not be joining because they believe that the boxes are not sufficiently small.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has expressed relief at the vote in General Synod, which proved once and for all that turkeys can vote for Christmas.

UFO Mission to Rescue the Archbishop

Only the Anglican Communion could possibly contemplate the appointment of a UFO Director*.

UFO's are notoriously difficult to predict. They have nasty habit of popping up just where you least expect them, appearing to the most unreliable people, and disappearing before their reality (or not) can be verified.

So the thought of actually being able to direct UFO's is quite a remarkable act of faith, perhaps even beyond that of the mustard seed.

The Anglican Communion's UFO Director is making a valiant effort however, with the ultimate Unidentified Flying Object - the Anglican Covenant. She is encouraging us to read it, and yet those of us who have, still find its true meaning illusive and implementation unpredictable. And whatever good the Covenant might do, it seems more likely that its very unpredictability will result in any benefit disappearing faster than the Roswell UFO or the keys to Area 51.

The Covenant also has its conspiracy theorists, it has to be admitted. People who are convinced that behind every clause, there are the dark suits of cover up and coercion. That would seem to be a little farfetched, but that doesn't mean the Covenant is harmless either.

The worst thing about the Covenant is that it will create a church of the lowest common denominator in which the only things we can embrace will be safe and uncontroversial. They will keep us locked into old established ways rather than allowing us to embrace the challenges of making Christ know in the ever changing culture in which we live.

And that in itself makes the Covenant a very dangerous UFO, not because it will lead to an alien invasion, but because slowly but surely, it will suck the life out of the Anglican Church.

The Anglican Communion's UFO Director does have a vital role to play however. According to the Bishop of New Hampshire, there are those who believe that the Archbishop of Canterbury has been abducted by aliens and replaced by something which looks the same, but acts very differently to the Rowan Williams they knew and loved.

Who better than the UFO Director to go and find him?

*Canon Alyson Barnett-Cowan is the Director for Unity Faith and Order at The Anglican Communion