How to Legalize Discrimination....

It is reported that he Church of England legal office is planning a new publication which could raise millions for the cash strapped church.

The publication, "Discrimination and how to legalise it" draws on expertise which has been built up over the years in avoiding having to comply with inconvenient Government legislation on equality and discrimination.

"We are world leaders in Discrimination Avoidance" said an unnamed source, "and it is about time we started cashing in!"

'Discrimination Avoidance' is understood to be the moral equivalent to 'Tax Avoidance' where experts use the law to create or find loop-holes which enable their clients to get around having to comply.  Accountants and specialist tax advisers can make millions for themselves (and their clients) in the field of Tax Avoidance, and now the Church of England aims to rake in the cash by helping other bodies to find a way out of Equalities legislation.

"There are many potential groups out there who don't like Equality legislation, and we believe we can help them achieve their aims" said a nameless lawyer in a very big car.

The publication will have 2 sections.  The first will deal with how to get exemptions written into primary legislation.  The second will give advice on how to worm your way out when your particular exemption has been spotted and rejected by law makers.

"The best way by far is to get an exemption written into Law" said the Archbishop's Advisor on Legalised Discrimination.  "All you have to do is to find some obscure statement of belief and claim to be a religious movement.  Get it written into the legislation and the rest will follow.  Potentially this could apply to almost anything - gender, age, sexual orientation, marital status, and inside leg measurements are just some of the possible areas."

"But if that fails" he said seriously, "there is always a way for a religious group to worm their way out - if you have a good enough lawyer!"

One recent example is the advice which the Church of England Legal Office gave on celibate homosexual clergy.  This was one area which had been overlooked by Bishops and their lawyers.  "We had made sure that bonking gay priests couldn't become Bishops, but we never considered the possibility of them actually going so far as to submit to celibacy!  As a result, we are having to do some pretty fancy footwork around public repentance and focus of unity issues to make sure they can't get in!"

One of the tricks is to use lots of double negatives in legal advice in the hope of confusing people so much that they simply nod in agreement rather than to show their ignorance.

If the book goes well, a Church of England Consultancy Service (CECS) could be set up in the new year to sell their expertise on the open market.  So far expressions of interest have been received from the BNP, the Taliban, and several African leaders at the UN who are anxious to stop their countries being 'infected by the western cancer of human rights'.

The publication is scheduled to be launched in Westminster in the Autumn - to a room of invited guests only.  Church House security staff will be on hand to ensure that "if your name's not on the list - you're not coming in."

Welcome to the Cyber-CofE

A new direction is being market tested by the Church of England to firmly establish it in the 21st Century. Bold new plans will see this traditional church embrace the computer age, if evidence from focus groups is positive.

Under radical ideas, almost all of the traditional terminology will be swept away and replaced with modern cyber-terms in an attempt to reconnect with a younger generation.

The process has already started in a small way to test reaction. Once upon a time Bishops were 'enthroned' - now they are 'installed' - a clear move to recognise the age of PC's, Windows, Facebook and iPads. Initial responses have been largely positive.

But the process will go much further, said an official in the Communications Department at Church House.

Services will be replaced by Podcasts, the hymnal by a YouTube Playlist. Confession and absolution will become Anti-Virus Scans, with a Quick Scan in Sunday worship and the opportunity for a Full System Scan in the confessional during the week.

The sermon will be rebranded as the Sunday Blog and will provide worshippers the opportunity to click on 'like' , 'dislike' or 'comment'.

Intercession will now be called "Heavenly Twitter", and instead of sharing the Peace, members of the congregation will be invited to 'Poke' each other. The will also be a Communion App which can be downloaded daily.

Baptism will be transformed too - water will no longer be necessary, merely a 'friendship request' followed by the issuing of a unique Username, as long as subscribers tick the 'Terms and Conditions' box. In most churches, however, Confirmation will be required before access to all areas is permitted.

Terms used in ministry will also continue to change. Following the successful introduction of 'installation' for bishops, they will be now be called "Spiritual Webmasters" instead of Bishops, and will be 'Upgraded' rather than Consecrated.

Archdeacons will be given the role of 'Net Nanny' to ensure no inappropriate material is introduced. Finally, in an attempt to promote mission, Vicars will be given authority to register their own 'Domain' and Deacons will staff the email help desk to respond to calls to the Help Line.

If you would like to comment on these proposals, please email the Church of England Communications Office cofe.comms@churchofengland.org

Durham Twelve Face Eviction

So the Church Commissioners' secret plan to evict the Durham Twelve has been leaked to the press.

The 12 sons of Jacob have been sitting tenants at Auckland Castle for the last 250 years, and in recent years they have claimed squatters rights despite an estimated cost to the Church Commissioners of £60,000 pa.

"It's absolutely disgusting" said a spokesperson for the Twelve. "We have been living here for longer than we can remember. We don't want to move at our time of life."

They have a powerful ally in a former Bishop, who has stepped back into the role of goal keeper for their 5-aside football team. "It must be remembered that the Twelve have given a great deal of pleasure to myself and my predecessors, living in this beautiful mansion for generations. It can be a lonely job, living in a castle, and the Durham Twelve make this hardship just a little easier to bear. They are worth their weight in gold."

But that, of course is the problem. Evicting the Durham Twelve could prove very lucrative for the Church Commissioners who have a proven track record in selling off housing to make a quick buck.

In 2001, the Commissioners had to admit to secret plans to raise rent levels in the Octavia Hill Estates in London. Built as early social housing estates, they had provided affordable housing to 1000's of the less well off in London for over 100 years. But the profits they produced were not enough to satisfy the remit of the Church Commissioners to make as much money as possible.

Tenants protested, marched, and petitioned all to no avail, and soon afterwards the Church Commissioners found a way to sell the estates and be rid of the problem once and for all.

Then more recently, the Commissioners invested heavily in the proposed re-development of social housing in New York, only to lose a tidy wad of cash (around £40m), when the American authorities had the audacity to rule that these estates should remain as housing for the less well off, rather than be revamped and rented to the rich.

There is a solution, of course, for the Durham Twelve. They could give up their rent free status and start paying market rents for their treasured place in the Bishop's Palace. Market rents for Auckland Castle, this fine listed building in a prime location, nestling in over 800 acres of parkland could easily reach 6 figures. The Commissioners could then turn an annual loss into a profit to be proud of. And if the tenants couldn't pay, that's ok - the eviction process for rent arrears would be much more straightforward, and the Commissioners could then find new tenants who could pay.

Not everyone has been critical of the Church Commissioners policies however. It is reported that successful landlord and entrepreneur, Peter Rachman has been full of praise for policy developments of recent years, and it is rumoured that his name is being considered as a financial consultant to the Church Commissioners. So considering the financial success of his version of social enterprise, the Commissioners are in for a bumper harvest in years to come.

As for the Durham Twelve, they could be out by next summer if the numbers stack up. "It's the end of an era" said one of the Twelve reluctantly "They'll be evicting the Bishop next!"

Now there's an idea ...

UFO Mission to Rescue the Archbishop

Only the Anglican Communion could possibly contemplate the appointment of a UFO Director*.

UFO's are notoriously difficult to predict. They have nasty habit of popping up just where you least expect them, appearing to the most unreliable people, and disappearing before their reality (or not) can be verified.

So the thought of actually being able to direct UFO's is quite a remarkable act of faith, perhaps even beyond that of the mustard seed.

The Anglican Communion's UFO Director is making a valiant effort however, with the ultimate Unidentified Flying Object - the Anglican Covenant. She is encouraging us to read it, and yet those of us who have, still find its true meaning illusive and implementation unpredictable. And whatever good the Covenant might do, it seems more likely that its very unpredictability will result in any benefit disappearing faster than the Roswell UFO or the keys to Area 51.

The Covenant also has its conspiracy theorists, it has to be admitted. People who are convinced that behind every clause, there are the dark suits of cover up and coercion. That would seem to be a little farfetched, but that doesn't mean the Covenant is harmless either.

The worst thing about the Covenant is that it will create a church of the lowest common denominator in which the only things we can embrace will be safe and uncontroversial. They will keep us locked into old established ways rather than allowing us to embrace the challenges of making Christ know in the ever changing culture in which we live.

And that in itself makes the Covenant a very dangerous UFO, not because it will lead to an alien invasion, but because slowly but surely, it will suck the life out of the Anglican Church.

The Anglican Communion's UFO Director does have a vital role to play however. According to the Bishop of New Hampshire, there are those who believe that the Archbishop of Canterbury has been abducted by aliens and replaced by something which looks the same, but acts very differently to the Rowan Williams they knew and loved.

Who better than the UFO Director to go and find him?

*Canon Alyson Barnett-Cowan is the Director for Unity Faith and Order at The Anglican Communion