When is a Bishop not a Bishop?
Answer: When he is an Ordinary.
This is the hot news from the new Roman Catholic Ordinariate for disaffected Anglicans.
With 3 Anglican Bishops becoming the first official members, Fr Keith Newton ( former Bishop of Richborough) has been appointed as the first Ordinary of the Ordinariate.
But the Ordinary is most definately NOT a Bishop. Got that?
Fr Marcus Stock, secretary general of the Catholic Bishops Council in England and Wales, has made the situation crystal clear .... "The Ordinary of the Ordinariate has similar authority and responsibilities to the diocesan Bishop, "
But remember, he is not a Bishop....
"He will be an ex-officio member of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales" he said.
But remember, he is not a Bishop....
"As a member of the Conference, the Ordinary will, like a diocesan Bishop, take full part in its discussions and decisions." he said,
But remember, he is not a Bishop....
"The Ordinary will exercise collegiate responsibility for implementing resolutions within the life of the Ordinariate in the same way that a diocesan Bishop does within his diocese.
So why is Fr Newton not a Bishop...?
Is it perhaps the fact that he is married with 3 children. Certainly, the sight of a married Bishop might be a little too much for reluctantly celibate Catholic Priests - especially as they are expressly forbidden from joining the Ordinariate with its opportunity to be a married Catholic Priest. (Article 6 of the Anglicanorum coetibus) It will be hard enough to see Ordinariate Priests from the Cof E cavorting around with their wives, but to have a church sanctioned, sexually-satisfied Bishop - that might be enough to make grown priest cry!
But that is not the only riddle arising from potential members of the Ordinariate this week. The latest comes from the former secretary of Forward in Faith, Capt G T Kirk, of the starship 'Oblivion' whose motto is "To boldly go where no woman can go before".
What was his riddle?
When is a Church not a Church?
Answer: When it is the Church of Sweden.
In an extraordinary outburst, Captian Kirk, accused the Church of Sweden of "not being a Church anymore" because it accepts the ministry of women and homosexuals. In the Church of England Newspaper, he condemned the "Sweden-isation of the Church of England" and warned that we are going the same way.
Some are calling for urgent action as a result, and a survey of how far this process has gone. Clergy may be asked to declare how many items of IKEA furniture they own, or if they have ever cooked meatballs for members of their congregations.
Others are wondering who gave Captain Kirk the authority to decide whether a Church in communion with the Church of England is a 'proper' church or not.
And signs of disunity are already starting to show among the 3 founder members of the Ordinariate. Unlike Fr Newton, the first Ordinary, who has been gracious in his words about the Church of England, Fr John Broadhurst, former Bishop of Fulham, went on record last October, describing the CofE as "vicious, vindictive, and fascist" following his decision to join the Ordinariate.
But at least the Pope has a sense of humour. In naming the Ordinariate, "The Personal Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham," he has, at least made sure that a woman will be at the very top of these opponents of women Bishops.
Talking of which, some may be tempted to ask, "If a woman was good enough to be the Mother of God, why can't a woman be a priest or bishop of God?"
And that might just be a riddle worth pondering!
A new direction is being market tested by the Church of England to firmly establish it in the 21st Century. Bold new plans will see this traditional church embrace the computer age, if evidence from focus groups is positive.
Under radical ideas, almost all of the traditional terminology will be swept away and replaced with modern cyber-terms in an attempt to reconnect with a younger generation.
The process has already started in a small way to test reaction. Once upon a time Bishops were 'enthroned' - now they are 'installed' - a clear move to recognise the age of PC's, Windows, Facebook and iPads. Initial responses have been largely positive.
But the process will go much further, said an official in the Communications Department at Church House.
Services will be replaced by Podcasts, the hymnal by a YouTube Playlist. Confession and absolution will become Anti-Virus Scans, with a Quick Scan in Sunday worship and the opportunity for a Full System Scan in the confessional during the week.
The sermon will be rebranded as the Sunday Blog and will provide worshippers the opportunity to click on 'like' , 'dislike' or 'comment'.
Intercession will now be called "Heavenly Twitter", and instead of sharing the Peace, members of the congregation will be invited to 'Poke' each other. The will also be a Communion App which can be downloaded daily.
Baptism will be transformed too - water will no longer be necessary, merely a 'friendship request' followed by the issuing of a unique Username, as long as subscribers tick the 'Terms and Conditions' box. In most churches, however, Confirmation will be required before access to all areas is permitted.
Terms used in ministry will also continue to change. Following the successful introduction of 'installation' for bishops, they will be now be called "Spiritual Webmasters" instead of Bishops, and will be 'Upgraded' rather than Consecrated.
Archdeacons will be given the role of 'Net Nanny' to ensure no inappropriate material is introduced. Finally, in an attempt to promote mission, Vicars will be given authority to register their own 'Domain' and Deacons will staff the email help desk to respond to calls to the Help Line.
If you would like to comment on these proposals, please email the Church of England Communications Office cofe.comms@churchofengland.org
So the Church Commissioners' secret plan to evict the Durham Twelve has been leaked to the press.
The 12 sons of Jacob have been sitting tenants at Auckland Castle for the last 250 years, and in recent years they have claimed squatters rights despite an estimated cost to the Church Commissioners of £60,000 pa.
"It's absolutely disgusting" said a spokesperson for the Twelve. "We have been living here for longer than we can remember. We don't want to move at our time of life."
They have a powerful ally in a former Bishop, who has stepped back into the role of goal keeper for their 5-aside football team. "It must be remembered that the Twelve have given a great deal of pleasure to myself and my predecessors, living in this beautiful mansion for generations. It can be a lonely job, living in a castle, and the Durham Twelve make this hardship just a little easier to bear. They are worth their weight in gold."
But that, of course is the problem. Evicting the Durham Twelve could prove very lucrative for the Church Commissioners who have a proven track record in selling off housing to make a quick buck.
In 2001, the Commissioners had to admit to secret plans to raise rent levels in the Octavia Hill Estates in London. Built as early social housing estates, they had provided affordable housing to 1000's of the less well off in London for over 100 years. But the profits they produced were not enough to satisfy the remit of the Church Commissioners to make as much money as possible.
Tenants protested, marched, and petitioned all to no avail, and soon afterwards the Church Commissioners found a way to sell the estates and be rid of the problem once and for all.
Then more recently, the Commissioners invested heavily in the proposed re-development of social housing in New York, only to lose a tidy wad of cash (around £40m), when the American authorities had the audacity to rule that these estates should remain as housing for the less well off, rather than be revamped and rented to the rich.
There is a solution, of course, for the Durham Twelve. They could give up their rent free status and start paying market rents for their treasured place in the Bishop's Palace. Market rents for Auckland Castle, this fine listed building in a prime location, nestling in over 800 acres of parkland could easily reach 6 figures. The Commissioners could then turn an annual loss into a profit to be proud of. And if the tenants couldn't pay, that's ok - the eviction process for rent arrears would be much more straightforward, and the Commissioners could then find new tenants who could pay.
Not everyone has been critical of the Church Commissioners policies however. It is reported that successful landlord and entrepreneur, Peter Rachman has been full of praise for policy developments of recent years, and it is rumoured that his name is being considered as a financial consultant to the Church Commissioners. So considering the financial success of his version of social enterprise, the Commissioners are in for a bumper harvest in years to come.
As for the Durham Twelve, they could be out by next summer if the numbers stack up. "It's the end of an era" said one of the Twelve reluctantly "They'll be evicting the Bishop next!"
Now there's an idea ...
In a decisive vote at the Church of England's General Synod, the Church of England has taken the first steps towards a new approach to ministry, replacing traditional shepherding with a new policy of factory farming.
