Canterbury faces Transportation to the Colonies

The verdict is in – NAFCON and the little FOCA’s have passed sentence on the Archbishop of Canterbury.  They have determined that for crimes against the Anglican Communion, the Archbishopric of Canterbury will be transported to Australia.

This time honoured tradition where criminals, convicts and dangerous revolutionaries were transported to the penal colonies of the New World has been revived just in time to choose the next Archbishop.  Barring storms on the long voyage the transfer should be in place when Rowan Williams steps down at the end of this year.

Archbishops from Kenya and Nigeria are among those who have claimed that Africa is being ignored in the Anglican Communion and so have unanimously voted to transport Canterbury to Sydney for the foreseeable future.

Leaders from NAFCON said "We are fed up of the Archbishop of Canterbury telling us what to do, so we want the Archbishop of Syndney to tell us instead". Lambeth Palace responded by pointing out that Rowan Williams has never told anyone what to do, which some conservatives think is the real problem.

Speaking to the Press Gangs, the present Archbishop of Sydney said it would be wrong to consider the Archbishop of Canterbury as “leader” of the Anglican church, something he said represented an “Anglocentric view of the world”. 

So Canterbury will be relocated to Sydney, and will lead the worldwide Anglican church is opposing ‘neo-pagan relativism, revisionism and redefinition’ in the Christian faith, ushering in a new era of SydnoCentric Christianity.

In a separate development, Anglican Extreme and The Bore Issues Trust have announced plans to deport all London Buses to Sydney in order to enable their recent planned advert and poster campaign to go ahead.  The ‘Not Gay and Very Very Very Proud of it – Thank God!’ campaign can then proceed as planned before the demonic Mayor of London spoilt their fun.

A spokesman (a real man - and very proud of it) for the groups said they were going to ‘shake the dust from their feet’ and catch the Number 12 to Australia.  It is understood however that route Number 666 will still operate between Lambeth Palace and Stonehenge on weekdays only.

In praise of Arranged Marriage...

It would be such a shame not to let the Bride walk up the aisle!   That seemed to be the message from Bishop Graham Kings last weekend, in a speech to support the Anglican Covenant.

Even if she isn't sure she wants to go through with it, it would be tragic to stop the wedding plans - the Archbishop has bought her a beautiful dress and the flowers will be lovely!

Talking of the Covenant in terms reminiscent of the Marriage service in the Book of Common Prayer, he points out that the parents of the bride have worked so hard to put it all together, and their hard work, "should not be dismissed today ‘unadvisedly, lightly or wantonly’"

Instead, this arranged marriage between the members of the Anglican Communion "should be accepted ‘reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly and in the fear of God’."

This surprising concept of marriage in the 21st Century seems to take little notice of the wishes of the partners who are to be married - after all, what do they know?  No need for a shotgun here though - not when the 'fear of God' is involved.

The problem is, of course, that the prospective marriage partners are getting decidedly twitchy feet.  Out of the 15 Dioceses in the CofE who have now voted on the Anglican Covenant, 10 of them have voted 'No', including Bishop Kings' diocese of Salisbury.

Even so, the Bishop pleaded, "It is vitally important that  the Covenant is discussed at General Synod in July.  If less than half of the Dioceses vote for the Anglican Communion Covenant, it will not be allowed to be discussed at General Synod. That would be tragic."

Readers of this blog will remember of course, that General Synod has already discussed the Covenant.  Many people spoke against it including one Bishop who said it would lead to 'factory farmed religion rather than free range faith'.   Synod members who were inclined to vote against it were told that it would be wrong to do that because, after all they were only voting to pass it on to dioceses for consideration.

Now however, as the Ecclesiastical Dominos have failed to fall in line, the message appears to have changed.  Now it would be a great shame for dioceses do not return it to General Synod for discussion, according to Bishop Kings - even though they don't want it.

So when is the right time to pull out of a wedding?  Is it better to wait for the wedding day?  For the wedding service perhaps?  Indeed, for the moment of the vows?  Afterall, the planning, the arrangements, the detail which has gone into putting together a wedding of this size, is so much more important than the marriage which follows.

Or is Bishop Kings hoping that if the bride gets all the way to the altar, she won't have the courage to duck out of the final vows in front of her assembled family and friends?

Either way, you would think that a bishop would know that unless the partners are genuinely committed, it really is better to think twice.  And all the evidence from the CofE points to ambivalent mistrust rather than committed love.

The real problem with the marriage metaphore, however, is that the Anglican Communion is more like an existing family of brothers and sisters, rather than a loving couple in the flush of first love. 

And the Prayer Book specifically forbids marriage between siblings because of the bad blood it breeds.  So surely it would be better to stop the wedding before things get really out of hand.

Whichever way you look at it, this marriage is a bad idea and the best advice anyone could give are those three immortal words...

Walk     Away      Now

The End is Nigh!

The rise of homosexuality is a clear sign that the end of the world is nigh!

Such is the verdict from the head of the Anglican Church in Nigeria, Archbishop Okoh. In a wide ranging interview, he clearly identified the acceptance of homosexual relationships as evidence that "we are in the end time and in this end time there are boundless opportunities of evil."

Biblical scholars will immediately remember the verse in Matthew 24, squeezed between the 'increase of wickedness' and the 'abomination that causes desolation'. You know - the one that says "when the day of gay marriage arises, flea to the mountains... how dreadful it will be".

It may also be possible, of course, that the Archbishop thinks that the likes of Gene Robinson might already be the 'abomination standing in the holy place' - so that would be another piece of the apocalyptic jigsaw set in place.

This eschatology fits in well with Anglican Mainstream's warnings of prison and persecution for Christians which will follow the acceptance of gay marriage.

They recently highlighted the case of David Parker from Lexington Massachusetts who, according to their blog, was "arrested and sent to jail when he insisted that school officials notify him when teaching his 6 year old son about homosexuality and transgenderism".

The reality was not quite so dramatic however.

Mr Parker objected to a cartoon picture book illustrating different kinds of families. The book "Who's in a family" describes itself as a book which "Shows the various combinations of individuals that can make up a family, emphasizing the positive aspects of different family structures, including grand-parent headed, single-parent, adopted, gay-headed, and mother-father families."

This was beyond the pale for the Parkers who demanded that they be called in advance whenever their child would be exposed to such subversive disgusting sexuality.

The school felt that this would create an impossible situation because, amongst other reasons, there were other children at the school with the same kind of subversive disgusting gay parents.

When he turned up at school and refused to leave until his demands were met, the school finally resorted to phoning the police when he was still there long after they wanted to lock up for the night.

When the police arrived, he goaded the police saying "If I am not under arrest, I am not leaving" which resulted in his arrest for trespass. Upon arriving at the police station, he then refused to be bailed and so spent the night in the cells before appearing in court the following morning when he was fined and released.

But this is nowhere near as sensational as the pre-apocalyptic 'prepare to be sent to prison for your faith' approach that Anglican Mainstream have chosen to take.

No doubt they had in mind the words of Jesus again:

"On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it... All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved." (Matthew 10:18+)

But I'm not sure that refusing to leave a kindergarten was quite what Jesus had in mind.

So is the end of the world upon us? Are we in the end times?

Well we might be, of course, but can it really be because we have recognised that two people of the same sex can love each other?

Or could it be because there are' wars and rumours of wars...nation rising against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, famines and earthquakes'. (Matthew 24:6&7)

Let's see - I know which I would bet on.

Ecclesiastical Dominos

How do you get people to vote for something they don’t want?

In the Church of England, it’s easy. You employ the domino effect.

Take the Anglican Covenant, for instance. It is clear that many people in the Church of England are deeply suspicious of it. In the debate in General Synod last November many voices raised deep misgivings about it, even among the House of Bishops. In fact, enough people were sufficiently concerned to mean that if the vote was taken purely on what people thought, it would probably have been chucked out there and then.

But a clever ploy was used. People who were inclined to vote against it were told that it would be wrong to do that because, after all they were only voting to pass it on to Dioceses for consideration. If they voted against it, therefore, they would actually be voting against the democratic process of the Church of England, by denying Diocesan Synods the opportunity to have their say. What was the result? The vote was overwhelmingly in favour, despite the misgivings of the many. The first domino was set.

The second domino is being set up now, because as the Covenant is taken round the Dioceses, they are being told a different story. They are being told that the Covenant must be a good thing because, after all, General Synod voted for it by such a large majority! Hence, obedient Diocesan Synods do not need to question the Covenant too closely before voting in favour.

If this strategy succeeds, then the third and final domino will take the Covenant all the way to ratification. Because when it returns to General Synod for a final vote, it will be pointed out to members that Diocesan Synods have voted in favour, so how could they possibly vote against?

All because of the domino effect… Set them up and knock the first one over - the rest will simply follow.

So the next time you need someone to vote for something they don’t want and don’t agree with, take some advice from the Church of England, because where there’s a will, there’s always a way. The real beauty is that it doesn’t require a single lie – just masterful misdirection.

No food thrown at the Primates Tea Party!

There was no food thrown at the recent Primates Tea Party despite there being plenty of sandwiches left over. Attendance was down at the Party, due to a boycott by several Primates, but table manners have definitely made a comeback!

The Primates Tea Party has had a chequered history of late, with numerous politically correct pundits saying its days were numbered.

In the early days of this international spectacle, the behaviour of the Primates was impeccable, mainly due to the degree of deference which the Primates offered to the undisputed α-male, the Primate of Canterbury.

But is recent years, the emergence of a strong group of male challengers has plunged the Primates Tea Party into a ugly combination of posturing, Primacy displays and food throwing. The introduction of the first α-female did nothing to help, especially when she refused to follow some of the traditional conventions of the troop.

But with the challenger males absent from the latest Primates Tea Party, the remaining Primates have been able to spend time considering their respective roles, and agreeing standards of etiquette for the future.

As they considered the meaning of being a Primate, some focussed on what it means to be Prime, whilst others just wanted to be Mates. But by the end of jelly and custard on the last day, they had actually been able to agree statements on a number of significant issues, including climate change, homophobic bigotry, and violence against women.

More importantly, the Primates who attended seemed to have enjoyed having Tea together. If this carries on, they might even want to meet together again, rather than just attending out of duty.

But all this progress could be in jeopardy if the α-female doesn't continue to attend - because it is her presence that keeps the challengers away.

Now she just has to sort out the Tea Party Movement...!

The Gospel according to Uganda...

This posting is not funny - not even close. It is just sad, very sad. It is a response to the murder and funeral of David Kato - the Ugandan gay rights activist who was kiiled last week. It is a response to the silence and collusion of the Church of Uganda in the national demonisation of homosexuals. It is a response to a Church in Uganda which claims to be the true faith of Jesus Christ and condemns other Anglican churches for falling away...

One day when Jesus was teaching in the Temple, the teachers of the Law brought in a man caught in adultery.

They made him appear in the national newspapers and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this man was caught in the act of adultery, and we would like the law to demand that we should stone such men. Now what do you say?"

They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write in the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone."

Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, until one of them turned and said, "But Teacher, he was caught with another man."

Then Jesus replied "Why didn't you say that in the first place? Stone him - straight away, and go looking for others who have done the same thing, so that they may be 'outed' in Rolling Stone too!"

"And when you take their funerals, remind their friends why they have been stoned, and tell them how he brought it upon himself, and how evil they all are!

"For I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy of being Gay will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who dares to be homosexual will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."

And the teachers of the Law congratulated Jesus on passing their test, for confirming all their prejudices, and giving them an excuse not to consider the sin of their own hearts.

And Jesus said, "Then neither do I condemn you - go now, and be self-righteous in your sin."

Reader: This is NOT the Word of the Lord.

Response: But the Church of Uganda thinks it should be.

Factory Farming at the Church of the Good Shepherd

In a decisive vote at the Church of England's General Synod, the Church of England has taken the first steps towards a new approach to ministry, replacing traditional shepherding  with a new policy of factory farming.

Box pews are to be re-introduced in churches up and down the country to ensure that Anglicans are confined to the very minimum of space for free thought.

"All this wasted energy on fruitless exploration is reducing the productivity of the typical Anglican" said a leading Bishop in Tuesday's  General Synod debate.  "Sheep ranging around the hillside is simply too much trouble"  he complained.

Dioceses will now be consulted (but not too much) on the proposals to provide a suitable framework (or pen) which will not allow too much movement.  Its main selling point is that Anglican sheep will be much easier to train, force-feed, and keep in line under the new 'Anglican Confinement'.

Under the new proposals, all churches previously designated "Church of the Good Shepherd"  will be renamed "Church of the Factory Farm" even though it is unclear how this new approach will succeed in  filling the new box pews.

In a disturbing development in Oxford, however, several Archbishops of the Anglican group NAFCON have indicated that although they support the new farming methods, they will not be joining because they believe that the boxes are not sufficiently small.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has expressed relief at the vote in General Synod, which proved once and for all that turkeys can vote for Christmas.

UFO Mission to Rescue the Archbishop

Only the Anglican Communion could possibly contemplate the appointment of a UFO Director*.

UFO's are notoriously difficult to predict. They have nasty habit of popping up just where you least expect them, appearing to the most unreliable people, and disappearing before their reality (or not) can be verified.

So the thought of actually being able to direct UFO's is quite a remarkable act of faith, perhaps even beyond that of the mustard seed.

The Anglican Communion's UFO Director is making a valiant effort however, with the ultimate Unidentified Flying Object - the Anglican Covenant. She is encouraging us to read it, and yet those of us who have, still find its true meaning illusive and implementation unpredictable. And whatever good the Covenant might do, it seems more likely that its very unpredictability will result in any benefit disappearing faster than the Roswell UFO or the keys to Area 51.

The Covenant also has its conspiracy theorists, it has to be admitted. People who are convinced that behind every clause, there are the dark suits of cover up and coercion. That would seem to be a little farfetched, but that doesn't mean the Covenant is harmless either.

The worst thing about the Covenant is that it will create a church of the lowest common denominator in which the only things we can embrace will be safe and uncontroversial. They will keep us locked into old established ways rather than allowing us to embrace the challenges of making Christ know in the ever changing culture in which we live.

And that in itself makes the Covenant a very dangerous UFO, not because it will lead to an alien invasion, but because slowly but surely, it will suck the life out of the Anglican Church.

The Anglican Communion's UFO Director does have a vital role to play however. According to the Bishop of New Hampshire, there are those who believe that the Archbishop of Canterbury has been abducted by aliens and replaced by something which looks the same, but acts very differently to the Rowan Williams they knew and loved.

Who better than the UFO Director to go and find him?

*Canon Alyson Barnett-Cowan is the Director for Unity Faith and Order at The Anglican Communion