New Anti-Vows for Homosexuals

This post has been inspired by the frenetic activity and near hysteria by conservative lobby groups following the UK Government's announcement that religious buildings can be used for Civil Partnerships. Enjoy ....

In the light of recent state sponsored persecution of conservative evangelicals, Anglican Extreme is to introduce its own ‘Anti-Vows' for those unlucky enough to fall into their clutches.

“As these are clearly the days of the Anti-Christ” said Nisa Lolland, “We feel the time is right to develop ‘Anti-Vows’ to combat the growing threat to Christianity by homosexuals.”

Any man found having a friend of the same sex, or a secret copy of YMCA by The Village People, will be required to affirm their conservative credentials by making the following public vows in church alongside their ‘so-called’ friend.

(N), will you reject this man

never to be your wedded husband?

Will you shun him, avoid him,

honour your church above him and abandon him

and forsaking all others,

be faithful to this impossible burden

as long as you shall both shall live ?

Answer: I will.

I (name) do not take you (name)

to be my lawful wedded husband.

For I cannot have you

and am not permitted to hold you

from this day forward,

for I'd better do as I am told, or it will be worse for me.

I will not celebrate with you in riches

I cannot share with you in poverty

Even when you suffer sickness

I will not comfort you for the good of my spiritual health,

since our sexuality and our church do us part

according to what I have been told in the Law.

In the presence of all who disapprove, I make this miserable, solemn vow

It’s the only way to be sure”, said Nisa Lolland. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

There will also be a separate version developed for women who show unnatural affections, and all participants will be required to wear a ring through their nose ever after as a sign and a warning to others. “That should do the trick” Nisa said privately. "After all the Bible does call us to make everyone 'Come Out' from among them."

The Anglican Liturgical Commission has indicated that it would be happy to look at these new vows, but said that it could not possibly complete a report for General Synod until at least 2662. In the meantime, many conservative churches are expected to go ahead without synodical approval. “We obey God not Synod” said a spokesman “We just expect everyone else to obey Synod.”

Full copies of the proposed Anti-Marriage Vows can be found on the Church of England Website – search for “Extreme is the new Mainstream” on the new Church Fashion pages.