Mush Soup

There is one rule of cooking which always applies.

It doesn’t matter how talented you are, you can only get out what you put in – ingredients are everything.  You can’t make salmon en croute without salmon.  You can’t make mushroom soup without mushrooms. 

You get the idea.

There is an educational children’s computer game called Reader Rabbit.  In one of the scenes you have to choose the right ingredients for the chef to make the required dish in the restaurant.  Get the ingredients right and you get congratulated – get it wrong and the chef makes ‘Mush’.

So who forgot to tell the Church of England?

In appointing a review group to reconsider the church’s teaching on sexuality, you would think that the right ingredients would be a key consideration.  And to some extent it was…

After all, the House of Bishops decided to look outside the rarefied atmosphere of the episcopacy for someone to chair the group, and picked a retired civil servant with experience of working in some of the most contentious areas of Government.   Sir Joseph Pilling was permanent secretary at the Northern Ireland Office and in retirement took on the unenviable task of being Commissioner for the Identity Card scheme that no-one wanted.

But having expanded the membership of the group to include non-bishops (is that a word?) why have they still appointed an all-male group?

That’s right – no women – after all, what do they know about sexuality?  Everyone knows that men know all that there is to know about sexuality – don’t they?  Why would they possibly need a woman or two? 

Mind you – that’s not the only surprise. 

In an issue that is as contentious as sexuality, where any radical recommendations will need powerful advocates to get them considered seriously, why is there only one diocesan Bishop on the review group?   The others are suffragans or assistant Bishops – and a flying Bishop caring for those who can’t cope with a gender inclusive church.  Perhaps that is why there are no women?  At any rate, they are certainly not part of the inner circle of power in the CofE.

So what can we conclude?

That the House of Bishops will get out exactly what they put into this review. 

It will be well argued and inconclusive.  Incomplete and thoroughly male.  There will be nothing fundamentally new and certainly nothing to challenge the status quo. 

Just more of the same - Mush soup.

Pantomime comes to Durham...

The new Church Commissioners Pantomime opened to disappointed audiences in Durham last week.

With a plot straight from the pages of Peter Pan and Captain Hook, there have been all the usual pantomime jokes, but it seems that no-one is laughing.

Buccaneer Andreas 'Hook' Whittam Smith has crossed swords with Banker Jonathan Ruffer-Pan in a feast of ducking a diving, with cries of "Oh yes it is!" and "Oh not it isn't!" over a £15 million pound deal for the famous Zurburan paintings.

In the background Andrew 'Smee' Brown has played the conscientious side-kick whose pedigree in selling the Octavia Hill Estates down the river established him as the indispensable batman for the sword-wielding Captain.

According to Jonathan Ruffer, first the deal was on - then it wasn't.  Promises were quickly made, and were as quickly broken.  With so many twists and turns, poor Ruffer has been constantly having to watch his back with the audience crying "He's behind you!"  And in the end, the whole deal has fallen flat with tales of good eggs gone bad, and a decidedly unpleasant smell.

For those who have dealt with the Church Commissioners before, this is nothing new.  The Captain and his side-kick have been running the good ship Ecclesiastica like their own private fiefdom for some time as Jonathan Ruffer points out in his letter to the Church Times.  A combination of economic necessity, business confidentiality and complex legal winds have enabled them to tack against the wind of public opinion more than once in recent years.  It is not up to the Church of England how the Commissioners conduct their business.  Bishops are powerless, General Synod can only 'take note' of the Commissioners activities, and the church at large has to pick up the moral tab.

But this time, it would seem, when the music stopped the Commissioners have been left holding the baby and lost £15m in the process.  All that is missing is a Pantomime Dame - but then with all the Church of England clerics in their black and purple cassock dresses, perhaps there is no need for one.

So the Pantomime has turned into Tragedy with no-one smiling, not least the people of Bishops Auckland whose pride and joy is once again up for grabs to the highest bidder.  And this time it is the Banker who has come first in the ethical league table with the church falling some way behind.

The Elf did it!

And God looked at St Paul's with quizzical eyes - deep and probing - searching the heart for an answer to why, oh why his House had closed its doors....

"Don't blame  us - it was the Elf!" they cried from behind closed doors.  "The bombs of the Blitz couldn't stop us - the fires that raged could not close us down for long - but that Elf - he's the one to blame.  The guy ropes are trip hazards and access is impaired - and those troublesome middle-aged idealists might block the way for ambulances and fire engines.  The Elf of Safety gave us no choice!  It's all his fault!"

And so God looked at the Elf with troubled eyes - eyes that wanted answers - eyes that searched for truth amidst all the misdirection of press releases, briefings and spin.

"Don't blame me!" said the Elf of Safety. " I was only doing my job.  You can't be too careful these days."  Then he paused for a moment before turning back with steely eyes.  "Anyway - it wasn't me!  I was that Goblin!  He's the real reason your House closed its doors.  The Goblin of Greed gets everywhere - tempting with the lure of yet more.  He's the one who is to blame.  He's in the offices and on the trading floors - he's at the gift shop and the Cathedral Door.  He's in the suits and dinners and old school ties.  He works by offering more and more -  then follows it up with a dose of fear - the fear of losing out - the fear of losing friends - the fear of getting left behind - you have to keep up with the Jones's you know!  He's the one to blame."

And so God looked at the goblin with anger in his eyes - eyes that wanted answers - eyes that burned with rage.

"Well you can't blame me!" The goblin put his case.  "I didn't force anyone to do anything.   I only showed them what's already there.  What's just out of reach - but not for long.  With the right contacts, the right attitude, the right system, the right drive and determination - what's out of reach today can be yours tomorrow - if you only want it badly enough.  And once you've got it, don't let go.  You don't want to have to down-size, do you? You don't want to fall behind the pack.

"But anyway," he continued.  " I can't be to blame, because according to all the important people, I don't exist!  I am merely a inherent necessity  for the wheels of prosperity to turn.  I am but a figment of your imagination.  Bankers, Directors, and Boards are not greedy - they simply get what they deserve.  And if that's more than others - so what?  After all we all need something to aim for. 

"If you ask me, those protesters are to blame.  They are the ones who are rocking the boat.  They are the ones who are making people feel uncomfortable by their outrageous demands.  Equality and justice; sharing rather than acquiring; giving rather than getting; radical ideas, upsetting the status quo.  They are the ones who are to blame."

And so God looked at the protesters with sadness in his eyes.  Because when he looked at them he saw a reflection of someone very close to him.  Someone who gave up global comforts to live in local poverty.  Someone who talked of sharing and giving;  who knew what it felt like to be thrown out of places of worship and accused of blasphemy;  someone who was humoured, then rejected by the people of power.  Someone who had no-where to lay his head, and who camped out in public places.  And someone who finally overstepped the mark when he took direct action against the money dealers and traders of his day, before paying the final price a week later for his naive, idealistic teaching, and his refusal to compromise.

God saw in them his Son - and saw that this won't end well...

US preacher: ‘What I meant was the end of the News of the World’

Great piece from News Biscuit on the Harold Camping and the News of the World.   It begins...

American evangelist Harold Camping has confirmed that his earlier prophecy of the end of the world, which was due to fall on 21 May this year, was in fact intended to refer to the end of the News of the World....

Read it in full at:
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/07/09/us-preacher-insists-i-only-ever-predicted-the-end-of-the-news-of-the-world/

Don't cut the grass ...

Gardeners at Lambeth Palace are being put on short-time working after being told to stop cutting the grass in the extensive gardens.

Following the recent House of Bishops statement on civil partnerships, a shortage of long grass has been identified in which to kick controversial issues.

“It’s all very well making these statements,” said Harry the head gardener, “ but you have to have the long grass there in the first place – otherwise it is meaningless!”

Following mounting criticism and press leaks, the statement from the House of Bishops announced two new reviews on same-sex relationships which will take years to complete.

The first will consider whether clergy in Civil Partnerships can be put forward as Bishops. In the meantime, a blanket ban will be imposed on all such clergy.  Observers have noted that the temporary ban does seem to be directed at one member of the clergy in particular who keeps cropping up on lists of potential bishops because of the quality of his ministry.  One commentator noted that “It would probably have been easier to put a temporary ban on clergy with the initials JJ and who run a cathedral.”  But the Church of England wants to be seen to be fair and equal in its discrimination – hence the blanket ban.

“This one only requires a relatively small amount of long grass at present” said a Lambeth Palace official “although one can never tell how it might drag on.”  After all, the Church might to decide to extend the ‘temporary ban’ if agreement can’t be reached - at least long enough for the said clergyman to be too old for consideration.

The second (which will require a good deal more long grass) is a re-evaluation of the churches attitude to same-sex relationships. “This one is going to take a huge area” said Harry, "especially with the potential for people to try to rake up the grass and bring things out into the open.”

Privately, Harry expressed doubt that Lambeth Palace actually had enough grass to cover this one over.  “We might have to look for help elsewhere” he said in hushed tones. “It might be that other Bishops palaces will have to grow their grass too.  And even long grass has to be cut sometimes – otherwise it all gets very messy.”

As a result of all this, it is rumoured that Church House is considering the creation of a new Department of Grass Management and Acquisition (DOGMA) to coordinate the programme.  It will be run by the Church of England Press Office which has extensive experience in 'managing' stories of public interest.

“It will be such a shame” said Harry sadly.  “The gardens here used to be so beautiful, and now they are going to become more like a jungle.  Still, it might make some members of the Anglican Communion feel more at home…”