Don't cut the grass ...

Gardeners at Lambeth Palace are being put on short-time working after being told to stop cutting the grass in the extensive gardens.

Following the recent House of Bishops statement on civil partnerships, a shortage of long grass has been identified in which to kick controversial issues.

“It’s all very well making these statements,” said Harry the head gardener, “ but you have to have the long grass there in the first place – otherwise it is meaningless!”

Following mounting criticism and press leaks, the statement from the House of Bishops announced two new reviews on same-sex relationships which will take years to complete.

The first will consider whether clergy in Civil Partnerships can be put forward as Bishops. In the meantime, a blanket ban will be imposed on all such clergy.  Observers have noted that the temporary ban does seem to be directed at one member of the clergy in particular who keeps cropping up on lists of potential bishops because of the quality of his ministry.  One commentator noted that “It would probably have been easier to put a temporary ban on clergy with the initials JJ and who run a cathedral.”  But the Church of England wants to be seen to be fair and equal in its discrimination – hence the blanket ban.

“This one only requires a relatively small amount of long grass at present” said a Lambeth Palace official “although one can never tell how it might drag on.”  After all, the Church might to decide to extend the ‘temporary ban’ if agreement can’t be reached - at least long enough for the said clergyman to be too old for consideration.

The second (which will require a good deal more long grass) is a re-evaluation of the churches attitude to same-sex relationships. “This one is going to take a huge area” said Harry, "especially with the potential for people to try to rake up the grass and bring things out into the open.”

Privately, Harry expressed doubt that Lambeth Palace actually had enough grass to cover this one over.  “We might have to look for help elsewhere” he said in hushed tones. “It might be that other Bishops palaces will have to grow their grass too.  And even long grass has to be cut sometimes – otherwise it all gets very messy.”

As a result of all this, it is rumoured that Church House is considering the creation of a new Department of Grass Management and Acquisition (DOGMA) to coordinate the programme.  It will be run by the Church of England Press Office which has extensive experience in 'managing' stories of public interest.

“It will be such a shame” said Harry sadly.  “The gardens here used to be so beautiful, and now they are going to become more like a jungle.  Still, it might make some members of the Anglican Communion feel more at home…”

Archbishop Upholds Marriage ...

It is good to hear than the Archbishop of Canterbury has assured MP's that "it would not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

According to the Daily Telegraph, he has been quite clear that the Church of England will "not be dictated to by the Government" on Civil Partnerships or same-sex Marriage.

This is particularly impressive as the Church of England has such a solid track record on upholding the sanctity of marriage and resisting government pressure.

Let us not forget that the CofE's raison d'être came from the problem of marriage in the court of King Henry VIII.

Faced with the perfect storm of a wife who would not produce male children, a mistress who was pregnant, and a Pope that was dragging his feet, the Church of England was born in order to dissolve the King's unfortunate marriage of 24 years.

When the then Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer declared the marriage invalid (whatever that means) this enabled Henry to marry his pregnant mistress Anne Boleyn - except oops, Henry had already married her 4 months before the first marriage was 'dissolved'. Nice one, Archbishop! Of course things had to look right so the Archbishop married them again, just to be on the safe side.

It is good to know that the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

Of course nothing like that could ever happen today.

Apart from the fact that the heir to the throne is now married to his mistress - the mistress who he had an affair with, for much of the duration of his first marriage. Oh yes, and she was married at the time as well.

But that is ok, because the CofE did not marry them - it just Blessed their Marriage in the Royal Chapel at St George's Windsor, and guess who led the service of Blessing - The Archbishop of Canterbury!

But of course, It is good to know that the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

In fact, when we think about it, there has been very little change. When Prince Charles becomes King, the 'Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England' will still be an adulterer who then married his mistress - just like Henry VIII.

In the Archbishop's eyes, the most important thing about marriage seems to be that we keep gay people out. 'No marriage, no blessing' appears to be the mantra of the Church of England when it comes to gay couples, but not to anyone else.

After all, we all need someone to look down on - someone to help us ignore all the ways in which we screw up God's ideals - someone on whom we can heap all the blame for not upholding marriage as we should.

And so, the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage" - because after all, it upholds it so well.

No food thrown at the Primates Tea Party!

There was no food thrown at the recent Primates Tea Party despite there being plenty of sandwiches left over. Attendance was down at the Party, due to a boycott by several Primates, but table manners have definitely made a comeback!

The Primates Tea Party has had a chequered history of late, with numerous politically correct pundits saying its days were numbered.

In the early days of this international spectacle, the behaviour of the Primates was impeccable, mainly due to the degree of deference which the Primates offered to the undisputed α-male, the Primate of Canterbury.

But is recent years, the emergence of a strong group of male challengers has plunged the Primates Tea Party into a ugly combination of posturing, Primacy displays and food throwing. The introduction of the first α-female did nothing to help, especially when she refused to follow some of the traditional conventions of the troop.

But with the challenger males absent from the latest Primates Tea Party, the remaining Primates have been able to spend time considering their respective roles, and agreeing standards of etiquette for the future.

As they considered the meaning of being a Primate, some focussed on what it means to be Prime, whilst others just wanted to be Mates. But by the end of jelly and custard on the last day, they had actually been able to agree statements on a number of significant issues, including climate change, homophobic bigotry, and violence against women.

More importantly, the Primates who attended seemed to have enjoyed having Tea together. If this carries on, they might even want to meet together again, rather than just attending out of duty.

But all this progress could be in jeopardy if the α-female doesn't continue to attend - because it is her presence that keeps the challengers away.

Now she just has to sort out the Tea Party Movement...!

Relics to make a come back ...

In a move worthy of 'Return of the Mummy', a relic of the Church of England has written to the Prime Minister appealing to be taken more seriously.

According to the writer of the epistle, Christians are too often ridiculed and dismissed as relics of a bygone age.

What is needed, therefore, is to bring the relics back into fashion.

"Relics have played an important part in the history of Christianity and it's about time they made a come-back."

New Reliquaries, containing the bones of the saints, could be set up on every street corner to remind people that this is still a Christian nation. And if there aren't enough relics to go around, we could always collect a few more from other retired Bishops.

Faith in relics was a significant part of Church life from medieval times to the middle ages. They were believed to possess special powers which could benefit everyone who put their faith in them.

Clearly the former Archbishop is hoping that the Prime Minister will take a leaf out of pre-reformation England and put his faith in this relic of a bygone age.

And there could be another fringe benefit of the re-introduction of these Relics. Belief in relics is definitely pre-reformation in its theology, alongside 'Indulgences' where people paid money to the church in return for a fast-track ticket for heaven - rather like skipping the tiresome queues for rides at Theme Parks.

If Indulgences were also re-introduced, then the Church of England could also solve its financial problems at the same time....

Sanctus et Virtus. Amen.

Factory Farming at the Church of the Good Shepherd

In a decisive vote at the Church of England's General Synod, the Church of England has taken the first steps towards a new approach to ministry, replacing traditional shepherding  with a new policy of factory farming.

Box pews are to be re-introduced in churches up and down the country to ensure that Anglicans are confined to the very minimum of space for free thought.

"All this wasted energy on fruitless exploration is reducing the productivity of the typical Anglican" said a leading Bishop in Tuesday's  General Synod debate.  "Sheep ranging around the hillside is simply too much trouble"  he complained.

Dioceses will now be consulted (but not too much) on the proposals to provide a suitable framework (or pen) which will not allow too much movement.  Its main selling point is that Anglican sheep will be much easier to train, force-feed, and keep in line under the new 'Anglican Confinement'.

Under the new proposals, all churches previously designated "Church of the Good Shepherd"  will be renamed "Church of the Factory Farm" even though it is unclear how this new approach will succeed in  filling the new box pews.

In a disturbing development in Oxford, however, several Archbishops of the Anglican group NAFCON have indicated that although they support the new farming methods, they will not be joining because they believe that the boxes are not sufficiently small.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has expressed relief at the vote in General Synod, which proved once and for all that turkeys can vote for Christmas.

UFO Mission to Rescue the Archbishop

Only the Anglican Communion could possibly contemplate the appointment of a UFO Director*.

UFO's are notoriously difficult to predict. They have nasty habit of popping up just where you least expect them, appearing to the most unreliable people, and disappearing before their reality (or not) can be verified.

So the thought of actually being able to direct UFO's is quite a remarkable act of faith, perhaps even beyond that of the mustard seed.

The Anglican Communion's UFO Director is making a valiant effort however, with the ultimate Unidentified Flying Object - the Anglican Covenant. She is encouraging us to read it, and yet those of us who have, still find its true meaning illusive and implementation unpredictable. And whatever good the Covenant might do, it seems more likely that its very unpredictability will result in any benefit disappearing faster than the Roswell UFO or the keys to Area 51.

The Covenant also has its conspiracy theorists, it has to be admitted. People who are convinced that behind every clause, there are the dark suits of cover up and coercion. That would seem to be a little farfetched, but that doesn't mean the Covenant is harmless either.

The worst thing about the Covenant is that it will create a church of the lowest common denominator in which the only things we can embrace will be safe and uncontroversial. They will keep us locked into old established ways rather than allowing us to embrace the challenges of making Christ know in the ever changing culture in which we live.

And that in itself makes the Covenant a very dangerous UFO, not because it will lead to an alien invasion, but because slowly but surely, it will suck the life out of the Anglican Church.

The Anglican Communion's UFO Director does have a vital role to play however. According to the Bishop of New Hampshire, there are those who believe that the Archbishop of Canterbury has been abducted by aliens and replaced by something which looks the same, but acts very differently to the Rowan Williams they knew and loved.

Who better than the UFO Director to go and find him?

*Canon Alyson Barnett-Cowan is the Director for Unity Faith and Order at The Anglican Communion