Archbishop Upholds Marriage ...

It is good to hear than the Archbishop of Canterbury has assured MP's that "it would not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

According to the Daily Telegraph, he has been quite clear that the Church of England will "not be dictated to by the Government" on Civil Partnerships or same-sex Marriage.

This is particularly impressive as the Church of England has such a solid track record on upholding the sanctity of marriage and resisting government pressure.

Let us not forget that the CofE's raison d'être came from the problem of marriage in the court of King Henry VIII.

Faced with the perfect storm of a wife who would not produce male children, a mistress who was pregnant, and a Pope that was dragging his feet, the Church of England was born in order to dissolve the King's unfortunate marriage of 24 years.

When the then Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer declared the marriage invalid (whatever that means) this enabled Henry to marry his pregnant mistress Anne Boleyn - except oops, Henry had already married her 4 months before the first marriage was 'dissolved'. Nice one, Archbishop! Of course things had to look right so the Archbishop married them again, just to be on the safe side.

It is good to know that the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

Of course nothing like that could ever happen today.

Apart from the fact that the heir to the throne is now married to his mistress - the mistress who he had an affair with, for much of the duration of his first marriage. Oh yes, and she was married at the time as well.

But that is ok, because the CofE did not marry them - it just Blessed their Marriage in the Royal Chapel at St George's Windsor, and guess who led the service of Blessing - The Archbishop of Canterbury!

But of course, It is good to know that the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage".

In fact, when we think about it, there has been very little change. When Prince Charles becomes King, the 'Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England' will still be an adulterer who then married his mistress - just like Henry VIII.

In the Archbishop's eyes, the most important thing about marriage seems to be that we keep gay people out. 'No marriage, no blessing' appears to be the mantra of the Church of England when it comes to gay couples, but not to anyone else.

After all, we all need someone to look down on - someone to help us ignore all the ways in which we screw up God's ideals - someone on whom we can heap all the blame for not upholding marriage as we should.

And so, the CofE will "not countenance weakening its teaching on marriage" - because after all, it upholds it so well.

New Anti-Vows for Homosexuals

This post has been inspired by the frenetic activity and near hysteria by conservative lobby groups following the UK Government's announcement that religious buildings can be used for Civil Partnerships. Enjoy ....

In the light of recent state sponsored persecution of conservative evangelicals, Anglican Extreme is to introduce its own ‘Anti-Vows' for those unlucky enough to fall into their clutches.

“As these are clearly the days of the Anti-Christ” said Nisa Lolland, “We feel the time is right to develop ‘Anti-Vows’ to combat the growing threat to Christianity by homosexuals.”

Any man found having a friend of the same sex, or a secret copy of YMCA by The Village People, will be required to affirm their conservative credentials by making the following public vows in church alongside their ‘so-called’ friend.

(N), will you reject this man

never to be your wedded husband?

Will you shun him, avoid him,

honour your church above him and abandon him

and forsaking all others,

be faithful to this impossible burden

as long as you shall both shall live ?

Answer: I will.

I (name) do not take you (name)

to be my lawful wedded husband.

For I cannot have you

and am not permitted to hold you

from this day forward,

for I'd better do as I am told, or it will be worse for me.

I will not celebrate with you in riches

I cannot share with you in poverty

Even when you suffer sickness

I will not comfort you for the good of my spiritual health,

since our sexuality and our church do us part

according to what I have been told in the Law.

In the presence of all who disapprove, I make this miserable, solemn vow

It’s the only way to be sure”, said Nisa Lolland. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

There will also be a separate version developed for women who show unnatural affections, and all participants will be required to wear a ring through their nose ever after as a sign and a warning to others. “That should do the trick” Nisa said privately. "After all the Bible does call us to make everyone 'Come Out' from among them."

The Anglican Liturgical Commission has indicated that it would be happy to look at these new vows, but said that it could not possibly complete a report for General Synod until at least 2662. In the meantime, many conservative churches are expected to go ahead without synodical approval. “We obey God not Synod” said a spokesman “We just expect everyone else to obey Synod.”

Full copies of the proposed Anti-Marriage Vows can be found on the Church of England Website – search for “Extreme is the new Mainstream” on the new Church Fashion pages.

No food thrown at the Primates Tea Party!

There was no food thrown at the recent Primates Tea Party despite there being plenty of sandwiches left over. Attendance was down at the Party, due to a boycott by several Primates, but table manners have definitely made a comeback!

The Primates Tea Party has had a chequered history of late, with numerous politically correct pundits saying its days were numbered.

In the early days of this international spectacle, the behaviour of the Primates was impeccable, mainly due to the degree of deference which the Primates offered to the undisputed α-male, the Primate of Canterbury.

But is recent years, the emergence of a strong group of male challengers has plunged the Primates Tea Party into a ugly combination of posturing, Primacy displays and food throwing. The introduction of the first α-female did nothing to help, especially when she refused to follow some of the traditional conventions of the troop.

But with the challenger males absent from the latest Primates Tea Party, the remaining Primates have been able to spend time considering their respective roles, and agreeing standards of etiquette for the future.

As they considered the meaning of being a Primate, some focussed on what it means to be Prime, whilst others just wanted to be Mates. But by the end of jelly and custard on the last day, they had actually been able to agree statements on a number of significant issues, including climate change, homophobic bigotry, and violence against women.

More importantly, the Primates who attended seemed to have enjoyed having Tea together. If this carries on, they might even want to meet together again, rather than just attending out of duty.

But all this progress could be in jeopardy if the α-female doesn't continue to attend - because it is her presence that keeps the challengers away.

Now she just has to sort out the Tea Party Movement...!